


To forgive and forget

by Meggs13



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chanyeol is an idiot, Concussions, Drunken Shenanigans, Face-Fucking, Forgiveness, Homophobic Language, Hospitals, M/M, Musicians, Nonbinary Character, Semi-Public Sex, Stitches, frat boy chanyeol, guitar god chanyeol, pissy jongdae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 11:07:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14283576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meggs13/pseuds/Meggs13
Summary: Chanyeol might just be one of the biggest dumbasses Jongdae's ever met... but maybe he can learn to forgive him for that.





	1. Forgiveness is key

In hindsight, Chanyeol probably should have realized that this was a stupid idea the second it was even introduced, not the second he realizes that the wooden table he's currently trying to smash through with his own body is too thick to break so easily. He also should have probably realized that making Sehun hold one of the sides of the table with his noodle arms was not the best call before he was sent propelling forward, table and all into an innocent bystander; who he immediately takes to the ground with him and the large chunk of wood.

Chanyeol groans and sits up, rubbing at his ass that had taken most of the force. He sits there for a second in his slightly inebriated state and looks around at the cackling crowed of his friends and other party goers before glancing to his side to find the boy he had the unfortunate accident with... Still laying on the ground, with the table slightly laying on top of him.

Chanyeol gasps and immediately jumps into panic mode, grabbing the table and hauling it off of the guy, then crowding into the strangers space feeling for a pulse. The steady thrum of blood flow has him sighing in relief, then he proceeds to check the man over for injuries. He winces when he finds a small gash on the side of the small person's forehead, that's producing a bit too much blood for him to be comfortable with.

"Shit, hey? Are you okay?" Chanyeol shakes the guy gently, but gets no response, causing the giant to slip further into panic mode.

A small whimper escapes the mans lips, as he tries to move, and Chanyeol is filled with the unbearable need to protect this small person.

"Sehun, get me a towel. Minseok get your car." Chanyeol immediately barks orders, followed by instant footfalls as his friends follow his instructions.

"Is he okay?" Kyungsoo asks, crouching down beside his best friend and the innocent bystander. As if on queue the stranger groans and moves his head a bit, still seeming out of it, but not enough for the pain to register.

"shh, don't move. You're okay, we'll get you taken care of." The boy eases, seeming comforted by Chanyeol's reassurance and Chanyeol sighs, elevating the guys head a bit. "He seems fine, just a little jostled. Probably a light concussion and he'll more than likely need stitches for that cut on his head."

Kyungsoo nods and helps Chanyeol lift the guy into the taller's arms. Chanyeol is careful to support the man's head while hurriedly make their way to Minseok's car. Chanyeol spreads the innocent bystander easily across the backseat, (having done this many times for his drunk and/or injured fraternity brothers) and climbs in, resting the guys head on his lap, while Minseok speeds towards the hospital.

"Here. It's the only clean one i could find." Sehun hands Chanyeol a bright pink towel that they had accidentally dyed when a red shirt found it's way into their white towel load. All of the towels in the frat are pink and it's kind of an ongoing joke for his brothers. They never really let him forget it, considering it was Chanyeol's shirt.

The guy winces, and Chanyeol mirrors it when he presses the towel as gently as he can against the cut, trying to stop the blood-flow, which he's sure now stains his jeans.

Taking a moment to actually observe the stranger that Chanyeol now feels completly responsible for, he finds that the smaller man is actually really attractive. His features are sharp, his jawline clearly made of fucking glass, and his cheekbones appear to be shaped marble. He's thin, but somehow the delicateness of his body works for the intense set of his face, and his lips... Chanyeol tries not to stare at them too long. Striking, is the word Chanyeol might use to describe this guys features. Chanyeol wonders why he hadn't noticed this man before, but then again when he's screwing around and getting drunk with his friends, he doesn't notice much else. Chanyeol wishes the boy would open his eyes, so he could see them, so he can see if they're as beautiful as the rest of the stranger.

Halfway to the hospital, Chanyeol gets his wish as the guy on his lap blinks his eyes slowly open, confusion clouding them. His eyes look a bit glassy, and his pupils are dilated, meaning he probably has a good little concussion going on. Chanyeol opens his mouth to explain to the man what's happening or give his some sort of reassurance, but nothing comes out when those eyes lock onto his own. They stare at each other, caught in each others gaze, so intense that everything seems to fall to the background. Chanyeol was a fool not to believe in love at first sight.

"Chanyeol, we're here." Sehun calls, breaking them out of their little trance, and pulling the taller back to reality.

Chanyeol curses, glancing up and blinks the daze that's clearly not from the alcohol, away from his mind. They manage to maneuver both him and the other out of the backseat. The now more alert stranger looks like he wants to protest, but clearly has enough sense to let Chanyeol carry him inside.

The head nurse to the ER takes one look at Chanyeol, the man curled in his arms, and Sehun tailing them and rolls his eyes. They might as well get frequent flyer cards at this point. Chanyeol's bright smile as he approaches his favorite nurse, has his annoyance deflating a bit though.

"Chanyeol, i swear to god, you're here more than i am." Yixing comments, quickly typing away at his computer. "What is it this time?"

"Well, i kind of crashed into this little guy." Chanyeol explains, ignoring the indignant squeak from the man in his arms "he might have a concussion and definitely needs stitches."

Yixing's face pulls into a sour expression "and when you say crashed?"

Chanyeol blinks and chews on his lips for a second "well, i was commenting on how much time I've been spending in the gym lately, and Baekhyun bet me that i couldn't break through one of the wooden tables we set up for parties with my body... and-"

Yixing holds up a hand stopping the giant mid-explanation and sighs. "who is your friend?"

Chanyeol and Sehun glance at each other and shrug, causing Yixing's headache to bridge into full blown migraine territory. He rubs his temples and curses the gods for landing him this job so close to the university.

"My name is Jongdae, Kim Jongdae." the guy in Chanyeol's arms speaks up, and oh. That's a nice voice. It's deeper than Chanyeol had expected, but also kind of soft and smooth. Like honey flowing into tea. He could get used to hearing that voice.

Yixing's eyebrow ticks up and he stands, staring Jongdae over, then sighs and sits back down, typing more information into the computer. He's decided to name his migraine Chanyeol.

............

The loud whirring of the machine causes Jongdae to take a shuttering breath. He doesn't really know what happened and is still a bit cloudy on the details of what's currently happening. All he knows is that he hates Park Chanyeol and his stupid friends.

Jongdae's best friend had basically begged him to go to the party with her, and reluctantly Jongdae had went, though he knew that these parties had a reputation for getting out of hand. He was content just standing off to the side, watching his best friend make her way around the party being the social light she is. All he can remember is the shouts, the laughter, and the pain of something heavy landing on his head.

Jongdae came to in the backseat of some car, stiff and sore as hell, but then when he looked up and met eyes with none other than Park Fucking Chanyeol. He couldn't seem to focus on anything else.

The last hour or so, Jongdae's heard enough from Chanyeol's friends and Chanyeol himself, (who keeps apologizing profusely every chance he gets.) to understand what happened. Chanyeol's an idiot, but he can't find it in himself to tell the giant to leave, though Yixing (a very lovely and level headed nurse in his opinion.) made it perfectly clear that he had every right to kick Chanyeol out of his room.

Jongdae resists the urge to reach up and feel at the bandage across his forehead, where the stitches were placed. Chanyeol had held his hand while all of three stitches were sewn into his head. He doesn't know why, but he couldn't bring himself to yell at the idiot to let go or that he's not a child and it doesn't even hurt. Jongdae absolutely refuses to admit that it felt nice to be doted on by the overgrown puppy. Park Chanyeol is an idiot, even if he might be a very handsome idiot.

"Are you okay?" Jongdae hears as he's wheeled back into his small room.

Jongdae winces at the loud voice, and Yixing shoots a look at Chanyeol. He's been warned many times about speaking so loudly, especially if Jongdae has a concussion.

Sehun just snorts from the corner of the room and shakes his head, not even bothering to look up from his phone. "His issues with volume control get substantially worse when he drinks."

Yixing makes a pained expression and Jongdae feels an overwhelming kick of sympathy for the nurse. "I'm fine." Jongdae says, answering Chanyeol's earlier assaulted question.

Chanyeol nods and steps forward taking Jongdae's hand. Jongdae really doesn't know where this overgrown Yoda gets off being so informal and comfortable with him, but once again he's at a loss for a complaint.

"Good. Those machines always creep me out when i have to go into them. I was worried." Chanyeol explains, looking deep into Jongdae's eyes, and the smaller really can't explain the little skip his heart takes.

"C-can you go get me some water?" Jongdae asks Chanyeol suddenly.

Chanyeol's eyes widen comically and he wordlessly nods and rushes out of the room, everyone watching him go with amused expressions.

"You're going to milk this, aren't you?" Sehun asks once the giant is a safe distance away.

Jongdae smirks and shrugs. For some reason Chanyeol seems hellbent on getting Jongdae's forgiveness, and Jongdae doesn't entirely feel that he's earned it. The tall asshat did land him in the hospital after all. Chanyeol's been at Jongdae's beck and call since they got placed into a room, even going as far as fluffing his pillow for him. A part of it might be comforting, but another part might be the power-trip of having one of campuses most popular and wanted men being his bitch.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Jongdae hums, picking at the hospital wrist band casually.

Sehun smirks "good god, what has Yeol gotten himself into this time?"

Yixing snorts and types away at the small computer console in the corner of the room "don't even act like he doesn't deserve it. Honestly, it's kind of refreshing watching someone make him work for it for once. I can't tell you how many times I've seen that idiot get what he want's just by batting those pretty eyelashes and throwing up that megawatt smile of his."

Sehun tilts his head and his smirk deepens "You have a point. Yeol is really big on forgiveness. He doesn't like people being mad at him, so he'll probably give you anything you want until you forgive him."

Jongdae lifts an eyebrow and mirrors the underclassman's expression "are you saying you want me to make your best friend my bitch?"

"Mercilessly." Sehun chuckles darkly and Jongdae finds himself wondering if he should introduce him to his best friend. They both have the presence of evil inside of them and would probably get along great... or that could also mean the end of the world. Jongdae's not sure he could condemn humanity like that.

Chanyeol abruptly rushes into the room, startling all of them. Jongdae's eyes widen and Sehun snorts as they take in the multiple bottles carried in Chanyeol's arms. The giant sets them down on the table beside the bed and looks up expectantly at Jongdae.

"I didn't know what kind of water you wanted so i got one cold, one with ice, one hot, one room temperature, and i was going to bring you one with flavoring, but i didn't know witch one you'd prefer so i got all of the flavors."

Jongdae's mouth gapes open, unable to say anything at all. Yixing stands and his face takes on an evil smirk just as Sehun's did earlier. Seriously is everyone around him kissed by the devil?

"Make him suffer, Dae." Yixing says, before leaving the room quickly, clearly having other patients to attend to.

............

"Seriously, i'm fine, Chanyeol. You can go now." Jongdae says, as Chanyeol helps him into his dorm room.

Jongdae had been discharged from the hospital under watchful eyes of Yixing and serious instructions on how to care for himself over the next couple of days. Chanyeol then insisted on taking Jongdae home. He wanted to protest, he really did... but he actually kind of needed help getting back to the dorms and... maybe it was also kind of nice having the giant idiot being so attentive. Jongdae convinces himself that it's the concussion talking. It's natural to want to be cared for when you're hurt.

Chanyeol waves him off and helps him over to his bed. Jongdae scoffs and sighs when Chanyeol kneels in front of him and starts taking his shoes off. This man really is going way too far for just feeling guilty.

"Here are your pain meds" Chanyeol says, pulling a pill packet out of his pocket "take them when needed, but trust me, they're really strong... like going to sleep and waking up in the middle of the street playing your guitar naked, kind of strong." he explains, clearly speaking from experience.

Jongdae just stares at the other, wondering how Chanyeol's made it this far in life. He either has one hell of a guardian angel on his side, or the luckiest son of a bitch he's ever met. No matter what it is, Jongdae wonders once again why he still hasn't told the idiot to leave.

"Do you need anything else?" Chanyeol asks, his eyes looking wide and hopeful while they stare up at him. He's still in a kneel at his feet and... Jongdae tries not to let that go to his head.

"Nothing, Chanyeol. Just fucki- just go." Jongdae says, maybe a bit to harsh.

Chanyeol's face instantly falls, and Jongdae ignores the tightening in his chest. The other stands and takes an almost stabilizing breath and wipes his hands on his pants nervously. Jongdae regrets glancing at the human tree's jeans, noticing a particular dark stain, that could only be from one thing.

"Right, i'm sure you're tired. You should rest." Chanyeol passes off, refusing to meet Jongdae's eyes for the first time since he's opened them and caught his gaze in the car.

Jongdae feels an instant regret pull at his stomach, despite it being Chanyeol's fault, he really hand't meant to hurt Jongdae. That's clear in his care and worry for the smaller man. Obviously Chanyeol is apologetic towards him, and is doing his best to earn his forgiveness. Jongdae doesn't have to make him feel completly like shit.

"Coffee frappachino with a double shot, extra whip." Jongdae stays, stopping Chanyeol at the door.

Chanyeol turns and blinks at him slowly. His confused face is almost precious. "what?"

Jongdae smirks and finally gets the other to meet his eyes "my coffee order. I head to my first class at nine. I'd like a coffee before hand."

Maybe Chanyeol is smarter than Jongdae gives him credit for. His eyes take on a sort of realization, then a soft smile touches his lips, and Jongdae once again tells himself the flutter in his chest is somehow concussion related.

Chanyeol nods, taking his leave, evident that it's reluctant, but gives Jongdae his space nonetheless. For that Jongdae is thankful. The pounding behind his eyes is becoming a little too strong, and he'd just like to pass out from this weird ass, confusing as hell, day.

"Why in the hell did Park Chanyeol just walk out of our room?" Jongdae's best friend and roommate, Luhan asks, coming into the room with a small plastic bag in her hands.

Jongdae closes his eyes and releases a large suffering sigh "I'll tell you later. I'm kind of in a rough place right now, Lu."

Luhan clenches her jaw, staring holes into her roommate. "You scared the hell out of me, asshole. Watching you passed out on the ground, a table laying on top of you, then Park fucking Chanyeol pulling you into his arms and rushing you away... i about lost my mind, until Kyungsoo and Baekhyun let me in on what was going on. I almost rushed to the hospital myself before you texted me that you were alive."

Jongdae winces and gives Luhan an apologetic grimace "i'm sorry, Lu. I wasn't exactly clear through most of it all."

His best friends face instantly softens, and she concludes to pulling off her skirt, and tights, before changing into a pair of ratty sweatpants, and puling off her bubble gum pink wig. It's her favorite and Jongdae can see why, when it brings out her eyes so brightly. Jongdae looks away when she pulls off her shirt, giving her privacy.

"Dae" Luhan snorts "They're not real, you don't have to look away."

Jongdae's eyes snap to Luhan's, and he has to stop the blush pushing into his cheeks at the mounds of silicone, held in his best friends hands. It's not like it's scandalous. Jongdae's helped the boy put them in and even helped him adjust them from time to time at parties, but when Luhan's in girl mode, he just feels like he should treat him as such.

Jongdae breaths in deeply "excuse me for being a gentleman."

Luhan rolls his eyes, exasperated "you've seen my dick more times than my past boyfriends, and yet you always look away when i take off my bra..."

Jongdae just shrugs, passing it off nonchalantly. A knowing look passes his best friend's eyes and he proceeds to climb onto the bed with him, (after putting away the silicone absurdities, of course.) and snuggles up next to him.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, taking his hand in his and squeezing comfortingly. Strangely, he notices how small Luhan's hand is, missing a larger, more engulfing feeling.

"A little dizzy and achy, but not too bad." Jongdae explains, pausing before asking "what's in the bag?"

Luhan shrugs and scoots further down on Jongdae's bed, encouraging the other to lie next to him.

Jongdae rolls his eyes and winces, feeling that headache really setting in. "You're not going to tell me, are you?"

Luhan shakes his head once, gently pressing Jongdae's head onto his shoulder, humming lightly, soothingly. This is why he loves the other so much. Luhan is everything he isn't. Feisty, strong, social, but also gentle and caring. He'd be lying if he said he didn't have a small crush on his best friend when they first got assigned to room together. Jongdae didn't even mind when he found out about Luhan's identity. Switching from one pronoun to the next, depending on his/her mood, was easy, and somehow just fit his best friend perfectly. But Luhan quickly became too important in his life, and their bond grew to something beyond friendship entirely. Luhan's family. He knows what it's like to be different. To be the person outside the norm. They protect each other like family and that's deeper than any crush could have ever gone.

This is why Jongdae feels comfortable admitting this to Luhan, and knows the other won't judge him for it "I think i might have a small thing for Park Chanyeol."

He has to respect the look of unbiased neutrality on the others face, when Jongdae turns to look at the other. To be fair, he really wouldn't know what to do if Luhan admitted that he was crushing on a straight frat boy, who also happened to give him a concussion and caused him to need stitches.

The other looks like he's digesting this, and Jongdae gives him a second, grabbing the pills Chanyeol had given him and popping one, heeding the tallers warning about them being strong.

"Lu?" Jongdae asks, when the silence finally stretches out for far too long.

Luhan sighs and finally meets his best friend's eyes "i'm just going over every possible way this could go wrong, hold on."

Jongdae groans lightly and huffs, releasing a whinny, "Lu-"

"No, seriously, Dae... You could crush on any straight boy you want, but... Park Chanyeol? I can't possibly see this ending in any way positive."

He's not telling him anything he doesn't already know. "i'm not saying i'm going to do anything about it... just that it's there... and i can't really deny it anymore."

Luhan gives Jongdae a deep, sympathetic look, before furrowing his eyebrows "how? I mean, you couldn't have spent a few minutes with him, right?"

Jongdae makes a sheepish face and Luhan huffs in disbelief at the helpless dumbass "it wasn't my fault. He feels really guilty about what happened and is exceptionally hellbent on making it up to me... he's kind of sweet and attentive... i couldn't help but crush on him a tiny bit..."

"Jongdae" luhan says his name in the most softest of ways, making him feel worse about his sudden problem.

"I know, i know." Jongdae says, laying back on his bed, feeling helpless and a little dizzy. "I'm screwed. There's no way of making him leave me alone, especially when he's desperate for my forgiveness. So, it won't go away anytime soon."

Abruptly, Jongdae receives a face full of Luhan as the man leans over him, giving him a thoughtful, yet calculating expression. Uh oh. Jongdae knows that look. No matter how much he loves Luhan, that look of a conniving little devil putting a plan together, chills him to the core.

"You could use this, you know." Luhan says, an ember flickering in his eyes, oh so dangerously.

"Oh no, absolutely not. It was amusing to joke around with Chanyeol's friends about making him my bitch for a while, but i couldn't actually do that." Jongdae protests.

Luhan smirks deviously and his finger flutters over the bandaged over his head subconsciously "oh, yes. You can, Dae. Chanyeol is after your forgiveness. You make him work for it and get a few things in return. You said it yourself... he'd do anything."

An involuntary gasp leaves Jongdae's lips once he realizes what his best friend is implying. "Absolutely not, Luhan."

"Absolutely yes, Jongdae. Use that boy shamelessly. Get this little crush out of your head, and move on. Everyone experiments in college. Just think of it as broadening Park Chanyeol's small, little world full of beer pong, dude bros, and easy drunk sorority girls." Luhan says, a sleazy smirk sliding across his lips.

Jongdae shakes his head and instantly regrets it, the pounding in the back of his head aching more and more with each pass of the minute hand. Luhan's look passes from sinister into concerned in seconds, at the wince his best friend lets out.

Being manhandled around and tucked into bed by a man who spends about fifty percent of his time in a bubblegum pink wig isn't as weird as it sounds. Especially as he lays next to him, offering warmth and comfort. Jongdae tucks his head against the others chest and snuggles in, grateful for his best friend for the millionth time in the past three years.

"I can't do that to him. Despite the power trip that would be, i'm not sure i can make Chanyeol my slave. He's a good guy, and deserves my forgiveness." Jongdae mumbles sleepily, the pain pills taking him down fast.

Luhan sighs and pets his hair gently "Dae, i don't see it as making him your slave. I just see it as making him work for something. Trust me, Park Chanyeol could use a little taste of suffering. You don't have to be a dick about it, just hold it over him for a bit. Who wouldn't want to have Park Chanyeol at their feet, begging to be used."

Jongdae digests this, wondering if he could allow himself to play with the famous playboy for a little while. He guesses it wouldn't do too much harm to make Chanyeol sweat it out, and hey, maybe, at the least, he can work a couple of free coffees out of him.

As the strangely welcoming, numbing darkness pulls at his consciousness, he truly finds himself considering the possibilities of the extent he can push the tall puppy to. The fleeting feeling of lips pressed against his head, and whispered words of promised love is the final things he hears before he's pulled into the abyss of sleep, and strangely, they sound a lot deeper and rougher than that of his best friends.

............

Jongdae stares, his eyes blinking slowly, slightly out of focus. He feels like absolute shit. Like he just woke up to the worst hangover of his life. He can barely think straight right now, let alone deal with the sexy mess that is Park Chanyeol. And yet, here they are, Jongdae stands before the frat boy, his shoulder bag feeling a bit too heavy today, and his stomach churning almost painfully, while the giant stands before him, a way too bright smile for it being this early, two steaming cups held in his hand.

The smaller can hear numerous witty comments pushing through his head, most of which sound bitchy and sarcastic, but all that comes out is... "that's not a frap."

Chanyeol looks a bit sheepish, before he steps forward and gently takes Jongdae's hand, placing the oddly comfortingly warm cup to his palm. "Caffeine is really bad for a concussion. Trust me, the worst hangover of your life won't compare to that elevated headache. I got you a cinnamon apple cider, with added peppermint, which helps with the nausea. It sounds gross, but trust me, it's really good."

The skip of Jongdae's heart must once again be concussion related.

Jongdae, under the watchful eyes of a large puppy, lifts the cup and takes a small sip. The surprising pleased noise he makes has the taller turning on a megawatt smile that practically blinds the other. Jongdae doesn't think that his heartbeat should be beating this fast.

They stand there for a few minutes longer, awkwardly waiting for the other to address something, before Jongdae's frustration peeks. Jongdae clears his throat and takes a step around the large obstruction "i have to go to class."

"I'll walk you." Chanyeol announces, falling into step beside him.

Jongdae sighs "you don't have to."

Chanyeol shakes his head and takes a sip of his own drink "it's fine. I want to."

Jongdae rolls his eyes, but accepts the other, even when he's slightly startled by the weight of his bag being slipped off of his shoulder. Jongdae side eyes the older, and is unable to even mentally protest the new development when Chanyeol's eyes sparkle with so much happiness. "Does he want to help me that much?" Jongdae thinks, and catches himself with a slight smile touching his lips without even realizing it. Possibly it won't be so bad if he lets Chanyeol be his little errand boy for a week, especially if the other is more than willing. It makes Jongdae feel less guilty if he's not technically exploiting Chanyeol.

The silence that falls between them as they walk across campus, is actually not too bad. Comfortable even. Jongdae always assumed that Chanyeol was incapable of shutting up. At every event or party Luhan's dragged him to, Chanyeol's always one of the loudest of his friends. Always center of attention. Jongdae's way more comfortable fading to the background, watching everyone else. But here they are, perfectly content in the stillness of the atmosphere between them. It's humbling to think that there might be another side to the giant. It peeks his curiosity a bit. Maybe there's more to Park Chanyeol than meets the eye.

.........

Jongdae realizes, maybe a little too late that Chanyeol is a hopeless idiot. He changes his mind about his clear hallucination over seeing depth in the man earlier. Chanyeol is a doting, people pleasing, dumbass, and he really could care less about giving him forgiveness now. All he wants is the man to leave him be, and stop his internalized torture.

The tall nuisance hasn't left his side for the past two weeks, other than letting him sleep alone, and Chanyeol appears to barely want to let him do that. Always hesitating at his door, telling him goodnight multiple times, before Jongdae gets frustrated and slams the door in his face.

Jongdae understood pretty quickly that the taller doesn't hold grudges. Jongdae had felt pretty bad the first time he rudely closed the door on the giant mid sentence. But then when he stepped out of his dorm the next morning, an apology poised on his tongue, Chanyeol smiled brightly, handed him his apple cider, and greeted him like nothing happened.

Jongdae to say the least is flabbergasted. Chanyeol has taken to walking him to all of his classes, buying all of his meals, and even plastering to his side during the evening. Luhan gave him a shit eating grin after they made it back to their dorm when Chanyeol had accompanied them to their weekly movie night. The words "put that man on his knees and make him beg" fell from his best friends mouth, and Jongdae swears he didn't get a semi from that image alone.

No, he's absolutely done with a Park Chanyeol. He doesn't in any way love the way the man dotes on him. And Jongdae absolutely refuses to admit that he's becoming accustomed to having the tall idiot around, even though it's only been a couple of weeks.

The thing is, that Park Chanyeol just has a way of assimilating to anyone. He's one of the friendliest and most outgoing people he's ever met. So Chanyeol just smoothly fell into place beside him, like he's always been there as one of Jongdae's friends. Chanyeol made a space for himself and just refuses to leave.

It wouldn't be so bad, if Chanyeol ever shut up. Park Chanyeol has the worst habit of oversharing... everything. Like how Jongdae now knows about the time Chanyeol's mom walked in on him jerking it once and blocked his internet for a month so he couldn't watch porn. Or how he's the proud owner of one of the largest SnapBack collections in Seoul.

Jongdae knows more about Chanyeol than he really cares to, and for some fucking reason, Chanyeol seems to know a hell of a lot about him too.

Like the day they sat down in the cafeteria and Jongdae was about to enjoy his meal. Chanyeol was ranting on about some computer game his frat brothers and he is playing, when he stops mid-stentence to place his hand over Jongdae's mouth.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jongdae had questioned with a sigh, at this point barely annoyed by the giant idiot. He's becoming accustomed to his weird ass shit. A chilling tremor runs up his spine with that knowledge.

"I just took a bite of the soup, it has mushrooms in it." Chanyeol explains, looking really anxious about the spoon being way too close to Jongdae's mouth. A few inches and Jongdae could have gone into anaphylactic shock. Jongdae is allergic to mushrooms... he swears he briefly mentioned it only once... so how in the hell?

Jongdae stares at Chanyeol with wide eyes and he bounds up to the counter to get Jongdae some different food. As he was enthusiastically talking with the cooks and making sure nothing he was getting for the other had mushrooms anywhere near it, Jongdae definitely did not feel his heart flutter. And Jongdae absolutely did not think about it for the rest of the day. And Jongdae seriously didn't dream of Chanyeol saving him from a horde of zombie mushrooms that night either.

Nope, Jongdae is one hundred percent certain that Park Chanyeol is the biggest pain in his ass that's ever sent him into an hour long rant to his best friend.

"I just want to get rid of him." Jongdae whines, tapping at his head, where the stitches are. They're starting to itch, and Jongdae hates it. "i know you said it would be fun to have him on my beck and call, but i can't take this anymore. I'm going insane, Lu. He followed me into the bathroom... the fucking bathroom, Luhan. I can't even shit in peace."

Luhan snorts from her bed, nose still buried in her textbook, but obviously paying attention by her head tilt "maybe he was worried about you falling in. That's very sweet of him to be concerned about your tiny ass."

Jongdae narrows his eyes at his best friend/evil overlord. "My tiny ass is no ones business."

Luhan finally looks up, a sinister smirk on her delicate face that in turn makes her look insane "maybe that's the problem." The glare Luhan gets in return, rightfully wipes the cocky smirk from her lips, replaced with an apologetic grimace "i realize he's trying to be sweet, and i recognize that he's trying to earn my forgiveness, but this is just too much... it's making it hard to get over this stupid crush."

Scooting forward on the bed, Luhan reaches out and pulls at Jongdae to sit on the bed between her spread legs. Seriously, someone needs to teach this girl some modesty. "You know he won't leave you alone until you forgive him."

"I tried" Jongdae cries out "i told him he's forgiven a million times, but he just keeps telling me that he doesn't feel like he's earned it."

Luhan places her head on Jongdae's shoulder and hums contemplatively. "Maybe you should give him a task. Tell him to do one thing and make it seem like it's the biggest deal to you, so he'll feel like he earned your forgiveness."

"Like what?" Jongdae asks, leaning back against the other, and side eyeing the girl. She's wearing her blond wig today. She looks the most stunning like this... the most natural.

The corner of Luhan's lip ticks up. "Make him suck you off."

Truly, Luhan should have expected the punch, but it didn't have to be so hard. Her arm will probably bruise now.

"Lu." Jongdae whines loudly, one of the things his best friend claims he's best at.

Luhan rolls her eyes, wrapping an arm around her whiny roommates waist and sighs "i dont know, think of something, Dae. It's not like you have anything that impor-"

Jongdae blinks and turns towards Luhan more, the longer her dropped sentence hangs in the air "What?"

"Dae? Who's the couple who wins the end of the year showcase every damn year?" Luhan suddenly asks, taking her best friend by surprise.

"Um... Yoongi and Jimin? Why, what about them?" Jongdae asks, his face scrunching in confusion.

"Why do you think they win every year, Dae?"

Jongdae rolls his eyes "because the judges are a bunch of stuck up assholes who prefer live musi- oh."

Luhan sinkers and nods her head once "exactly. And who do we know who can play a guitar like it's his religion?"

In theory, Jongdae probably should have seen this coming. Luhan's been telling Jongdae to get someone to play with him during his end of year performance for the past couple of years. It's just so hard to find someone who's not in the music department and isn't doing a performance of their own. But here Jongdae is faced with the best of circumstances. A musical god, who's for some unknown reason not in the music department, and he happens to be indebted to Jongdae.

It's the perfect situation and should seriously be a no brainier to shamelessly use the giant idiot, but for some reason the idea makes Jongdae feel unsettled.

>>>>>>

"Good morning." Chanyeol chirps, two coffee cups in hand, as Jongdae steps out of his dorm, already done with this day. He happened to wake up exceedingly cranky and exhausted this morning. It's probably due to the fact that he has to start practices. This has always been a form of stress for him, and it isn't helping that Chanyeol stands in front of him, ready to jump at his order. It's almost too easy.

Jongdae want's to turn away the thought of why this is the best win win situation he's ever been faced with, but damn it, he just can't. He really wants to win this year and make a name for himself. A win at the showcase could mean interest from potential labels. Jongdae, no matter how unsettled it makes him, can't really afford to turn away this opportunity.

"Morning." Jongdae croakes, and stands in front of the way too tall human.

He doesn't particularly have an issue or sensitivity about his size, but standing next to Chanyeol just make his average, if not slightly below average height a bit more obvious.

"Uh, Oh. bad night?" Chanyeol asks, handing Jongdae his apple cider drink, (kind of becoming his new favorite morning drink.) and sounding concerned and genuinely curious. No teasing element to his voice at all, which is slightly odd for the other. Chanyeol reaches out and daringly scratches at the short hairs on the back of Jongdae's head. Jongdae refuses to admit that he leans into it, and gives a short hum.

Jongdae sighs and considers his options, then decides to hell with it "I couldn't sleep. I was up all night thinking about what to do with my performance for the end of year showcase."

Chanyeol's eyes light up, finally happy to be included in the smaller's life. Jongdae has been keeping him at arms length, and regarding him with barely contained annoyance since he started offering his services. Despite what everyone seems to think, Chanyeol isn't stupid. He knows what Jongdae is doing, he realizes he's being shamelessly exploited, and actually he doesn't really mind. He'd do anything for Jongdae. Even though it seems like Jongdae doesn't particularly want him to.

It's a bit odd how the smaller, one second is gratefully wolfing down a sandwich he bought him, then looking exceptionally guilty about it, the next. It seems like he's at war with himself over whether he thinks this situation is right. Chanyeol really doesn't mind, though. Despite what he's told Jongdae, he really isn't after forgiveness. Chanyeol genuinely just enjoys spending time with the smol man.

Physical attraction isn't just what draws him in anymore. Though Jongdae is still one of the most beautiful creatures he's ever met, he's also funny, smart, talented, and actually really kind. Chanyeol's watched Jongdae's interactions with people over the past week. He's never met anyone more comfortable with themselves like Jongdae is, and seriously he's never known someone as hardworking as the other either.

Jongdae pours every bit of himself into his music. Into his passion. It's incredible and entrapping. Chanyeol falls for him a little more every time he waits outside the practice room, listening to Jongdae sing. Every time Jongdae smiles and touches his best friend Luhan so gently, like they are made of glass. Every time Jongdae grins widely and laughs with his whole soul. Chanyeol's dazzled so completly by the other, and Jongdae couldn't be more clueless.

"Is something wrong with your performance?" Chanyeol asks, obviously earnest in his worry.

Jongdae bites at the inside of his lips, and notices Chanyeol's eyes roll a little, like he's waiting for him to get something obvious. It makes him want to hit the tall frat boy.

"Every year i normally sing with audio playing in the background, and every year i lose. The judges have even expressed their bias towards live music, and a guy named Park Jimin wins every damn time because his... friend, plays the piano while he sings." Jongdae explains.

Chanyeol takes this information in and happily wonders if Jongdae is asking for his advice. A little bubble of happy presses against his chest and he suddenly feels a tad nervous. He wants to give sound advice. He wants to help Jongdae. The other is finally trusting him and exhibiting that he values Chanyeol's opinion. That means a lot to him.

"So... find someone to play an instrument for you." Chanyeol offers, hoping that it's good enough. He's not in the music department. He doesn't know how this works.

Jongdae bites at his lip in nervousness. What if this comes out wrong? What if he offends Chanyeol by asking him to do this? or worse, what if Chanyeol says no?

"Dae?" Chanyeol nudges his arm. A playful gesture that slightly surprises him, and that's what he blames the flutter of his heart on... the concussion can't take all of the blame. He may actually be developing arrhythmia.

Jongdae takes a big breath. Alright, just out with it then. "Actually, i already found a live performer. The showcase is kind of a big deal, so most of the music department contributes their own pieces, that's why its so hard to find someone to play with you, because they'd technically be pulling themselves out of the competition, since its an individual only contest."

Chanyeol instantly, and inappropriately feels jealously flare up in his center. The idea of Jongdae spending long hours in a practice room alone with some person, getting close, and bonding over their mutual love for music. It unsettles Chanyeol, but he knows he has no right to feel that way. Just because he's completly captivated by the smaller man, does not mean he has a claim over him.

"Who do you have in mind?" Chanyeol asks, cautiously. Maybe he can go have a chat with the person and give him a little encouragement to keep things professional between them and Jongdae.

"You, actually." Jongdae braves up and answers.

Chanyeol swears to the gods his heart stops. So many questions fly through his head and he's pretty sure he sees a 404 flash before his eyes. Jongdae wants him? To play with him? To backup his angelic voice? Why?

"I don't play anything, though." Chanyeol intelligently comes up with.

Jongdae scoffs, watching Chanyeol's face twist into an ugly grimace, that makes him appear to be in pain.

"I've seen you play at parties and stuff, Yeol." Jongdae says, causing Chanyeol's brain to short-circuit at Jongdae's usage of his nickname, "you're actually really good, and i kind of feel like an acoustic feel would compliment my voice well."

Chanyeol actually finds himself thinking over this, agreeing that Jongdae's smooth, yet cutting voice paired with his guitar would sound stunning. But then he remembers why this is a terrible idea and starts shaking his head.

He's never seen the other like this. Chanyeol always has this air of confidence, of certainty to him, but this man in front of him seems terrified.

"I can't. That's only a party trick, Jongdae. It's something i use to impress people at parties and mellow the atmosphere when people start getting too crazy. I'm not a performer." Chanyeol explains, wrapping his arms around his waist.

Jongdae is completly shook by Chanyeol's behavior, before something crosses his mind and realization and understanding curl tightly in his belly. "You have stage fright."

Chanyeol's eyes widen, suddenly looking way too vulnerable for his own comfort. This guys is one of the bravest, most resilient people he's ever met, and it's startling to see him like this. "y-yeah." He looks down, as if ashamed of his one and only weakness as far as Jongdae is concerned.

"But i always see you at parties. When you play, you're surrounded by people. You play in front of people all the time." Jongdae says, confused.

The giant nods, and tears at the skin of his lips with his teeth. "It's different. If i make a mistake at a party, i'm surrounded by friends. We laugh it off and it's not a big deal, chalking it up to the alcohol or to just playing around. No pressure... i can't do that in front of judges... i can't do that in front of people who don't know anything about me and are just waiting for me to fuck up."

All too suddenly, a kick of sympathy nudges Jongdae forward. Jongdae knows what he mean. Up on stage, it's a different world. One mistake can mean losing everything you worked for. He laces an arm around the others waist, feeling him stiffen, but only for a second, before he's pulled into one of the best hugs he's ever had. He'll never admit that though.

Chanyeol might have actually died when he crashed into the table, because this is awfully close to what he imagines heaven to be like. He folds himself around the man, who is somehow miraculously in his arms. The feeling of him close. The scent of the man invading his senses and making him feel foggy and slightly delirious.

At least that's what he blames it on, when the words, "i'll do it" fall from his lips.

Jongdae pulls back quickly, and Chanyeol regrets so much in that moment.

"Chanyeol, you don't have to." Jongdae says, his eyes deep pools of concern, and yet hopefulness.

That sparkle of hope keeps Chanyeol's resolve from crumbing "I'll just have to get over it. They're there for you, right? Maybe since they're not exactly paying too much attention to me, i'll be able to play like i'm just chilling at a party."

The happiness radiating in the others eyes, as well as the bright grin that finally spreads across his face for none other than Chanyeol, refuses to let him regret this choice. For Jongdae he'll get through this. For Jongdae he'll face his fears and get him that win.

Jongdae smiles so hard his eyes disappear and Chanyeol's heart flutters. He doesn't blame it on anything this time... he knows he's helplessly falling for the other.

"I swear, Chanyeol. After this competition is over, you'll have my complete forgiveness." Jongdae says, taking Chanyeol's hand and squeezing it with a promise.

Chanyeol takes a stabilizing breath and forces a bright smile on his face

"It's a deal" is what he says, but all that echos in his head is "I don't want your forgiveness, i just want you."

>>>>>>>>>

Jongdae should have actually expected this. He knew Chanyeol was brilliant at the guitar, but he should have really prepared himself for how good. Watching Chanyeol pick up the music, observe it and learn the cords in record time, his fingers moving across the strings with familiar ease, did things to Jongdae that he doesn't dare to admit. Because admitting how hard it's suddenly getting to breath, and how fast his heart is beating, would be admitting something that would condemn himself to heartbreak.

The truth is that Jongdae knows he wants Chanyeol, that much he can confess. Especially when Chanyeol pauses, leaning forward on the stool Jongdae had found him earlier, guitar pick poised between his teeth. Jongdae doesn't know why it makes arousal swirl in the pit of his stomach, but it does and he doesn't know what to do.

For one, Chanyeol's a straight frat boy. He's the typical, has slept with half of the sorority houses on campus, has a reputation a mile long, type of frat boy. Jongdae doesn't even want to mess anywhere near that. And two, Chanyeol's almost the exact opposite of his type. Jongdae has particular... tastes, and Chanyeol is practically the exact opposite of those.

It doesn't exactly surprise him that he's oddly attracted to Chanyeol. Pretty much everyone on campus has a crush on Chanyeol in one way or another, hell, he's even seen a few professors check the man out. Actually what surprises him the most is the way his heart tugs for Chanyeol in a way that is far from physical.

Yesterday, Chanyeol decided to tell him where he learned to play the guitar, as well as the piano (Jongdae won't talk about how that made him a little tight in the pants region.), and how his grandfather basically raised him because his dad wasn't able to be around a lot. Jongdae listened to Chanyeol ramble about his grandfather for over a half an hour before they started practicing. He was almost unable to concentrate on singing, because he kept thinking about Chanyeol and how sweet and gentle he was. A side of the giant that few people get to see.

They've been at this for over a week now, and everyday Jongdae realizes just how entirely fucked he is. Like today, when Chanyeol showed up in a pair of jeans, band T, and a fucking flannel shirt. He look absolutely cuddle-able and edible at the same time. Jongdae literally moaned... fucking moaned when that giant pain in his ass walked through the door.

The fucking shit even had the audacity to smirk too. Jongdae has never waned to punch someone in the face then violently make out with them at the same time. Fuck Park Chanyeol... No, universe, please.... let him fuck Park Chanyeol.

In reality, this might actually not be the perfect situation. This might actually be Jongdae's own version of hell. He actually died when Chanyeol crashed into him with that table and his sins finally caught up with him. He's indebted to an eternity of being tortured by Park fucking Chanyeol.

Jongdae whines and lets his head fall to the piano keys, making a loud noise and starting Chanyeol. He doesn't even bother to lift his head when a gentle hand lifts it for him, and a folded up flannel shirt is placed between the keys and his forehead. He just lets his face press firmly into the shirt, breathing in the intoxicating smell, and slips further into the scalding pool of his own misery. He'll get used to the temperature eventually.

>>>>>>

"You're really beautiful, you know that?" Comes a question, stopping Jongdae in the middle of his warmup.

Jongdae blinks and slowly turns his head in jerky movements like a crank, completely caught off guard by the words that just fell from the others lips.

"W-what?" Jongdae questions intellectually.

Chanyeol smiles lightly and looks down, his fingers idly playing with his guitar strings "just an observation. When you're at the piano, and you're warming up, completely lost in your element. It's captivating to watch. You're really beautiful like this."

Jongdae's throat feels hallow, like the cold burn after running far too long without stopping. He doesn't know what to do with this... did the frat boy just call him beautiful?

"You know, my mom and my sister tried to convince me to go for a composing major. Like i told you, my dad wasn't around a lot, but they kind of tag teamed with raising me, along with my grandpa. They knew how important it was to me, so they wanted me to go into music, because it just always came to me naturally, you know?" Chanyeol explains, his eyes nostalgic.

Jongdae nods. He does know. Music flows through his veins and fuels his body. He has no idea where he'd be without music. All of those times he sought it for comfort and escape. Music is his life. It took him a while, but seeing how comfortably that guitar fits on his lap, so how natural he looks in front of a piano, Chanyeol's the same as him.

"Why didn't you... well besides the stage fright?"

Chanyeol smiles sadly and brushes his fingers delicately over the neck of his guitar. It has belonged to his grandfather, Chanyeol had told him one night after practice when Jongdae moved it out of his way, not so gently.

"My grandfather died my senior year of high school. He was the biggest connection i had to music, and... going into a field that constantly reminded me of him... it was unimaginable at that time." Chanyeol says, his voice thick with a sort of longing.

Jongdae feels guilt pit in his stomach. He had no idea how hard this would be for Chanyeol. He had no idea what he had asked him to do.

"I'm s-"

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but if you apologize, I'll walk out of this room." Chanyeol says, the smile once again back in his tone.

"But i -"

Chanyeol sighs and cocks his head to the side, looking up and locking eyes with Jongdae "i know it might sound weird, but you remind me of him. My grandfather. When you're sitting at the piano, going over scales... it reminds me of growing up, watching him in the mist of his passion. I always found it so awe inspiring to watch. That's why you're beautiful to me, because you remind me of why i fell for music in the first place. You make me feel that fire, i thought had burned out a long time ago." Jongdae let's out a shaky breath at the way Chanyeol looks at him, so confident, so sure... though Jongdae has no idea what he's so certain of. "Thank you, Dae. You gave me back a piece of myself that i didn't even know I was missing."

Jongdae blinks away a sudden pit of emotion and doesn't even question the "you're welcome, Yeol." That falls from his lips. Jongdae might be a total goner.

Chanyeol grins and goes back to his music sheets, letting the quiet settle for a minute, before uttering a quiet "looks like i might be eternally indebted to you." It echoes through the small music room.

A light smile tugs at Jongdae's lips and he fixes his own sheets on the piano. "Looks like I'll just have to find other ways to have you work it off."

This is the interesting part. Jongdae knows this started out as the final way to get Chanyeol out of his hair... but something feels different. Something feels... right? Jongdae doesn't exactly know what it is yet, but the more time he spends with Chanyeol, the more he feels himself lost in it. He wants Chanyeol here just as much as the other wants to be here.

They start practice as smoothly as breathing, quickly falling into sync with one another. Jongdae dares himself to hope when he glances over at Chanyeol, catching the others eyes watching him, not even bothering to look guilty about it. His fingers play across the strings, not even missing a single cord.

There's nothing left to blame it on, Jongdae's heart skips and he knows exactly what's the cause. Jongdae can't seem to regret letting himself fall for the straight frat boy, because something in the way Chanyeol looks at him, has him considering that it isn't one sided. Could he really do that? Can he bring himself to hope that Chanyeol feels this too?

He doesn't think too hard on it, especially when the sounds of their sweet sweet music filters through the room and echoing off the walls with the promise of possibilities. Jongdae really does know how it could get better than this.

>>>>>>

"No." Chanyeol whines, rubbing his forehead. "Match my pitch."

The giant is working Jongdae's last nerve. It might not get better, but clearly it can get worse. He realizes he's just trying to help, and he also is aware that Chanyeol might be right. But Jongdae's also stubborn as hell and really hates Chanyeol's stupid fucking face right now.

"Dae, come on." Chanyeol huffs when the smaller crosses his arms and actually pouts. A grown as man is really pouting right in front of him.

"If you know how to get there so well, why don't you show me how it's done then." Jongdae hisses, and Chanyeol half expects him to stick out his tongue too.

Chanyeol's irritation gets the best of him, and it overrides his embarrassment at what he's about to do. He strums a few cords, opening the song, and watches Jongdae open his mouth to start to sing. He beats him to it though, wishing that he had a damn camera at the face Jongdae makes when he spins around to meet his eyes.

Chanyeol continues to sing through the song, his voice flowing over every syllable and note like they were made to be formed by Park Chanyeol's tongue. Jongdae is entranced and moves forward a few paces on his own accord.

The smile that tugs at Chanyeol's lips can't be pushed down, when Jongdae walks towards him like a religious man who just found his messiah standing before him. Chanyeol holds up a hand and nods toward the smaller, motioning him to join.

Jongdae is helpless not to obey. They match pitch, their voices harmonizing flawlessly, and by the end of the song, they even create variance in tone, creating an echoey vibe. It's beautiful and Jongdae's never felt so whole.

If Chanyeol noticed the slight tremor in his voice at first, he doesn't say anything, and Jongdae really appreciates that. He also appreciates when Chanyeol treats him to ice cream afterwards, and tells him about the other day during practice when he kept missing tackles and had to run the field after practice as a punishment.

Jongdae doesn't know much about Rugby, but he knows enough to tell that Chanyeol is a brilliant player. He's been to a few games and saw the man in action. With this he knows Chanyeol is trying to make him feel better. Even the best Locks, or the best of singers can have their off days.

Jongdae feels himself slip into the pool a bit more, already getting used to the burn.

>>>>>>>>>

Chanyeol closes his eyes for the millionth time today as he hears Jongdae growl out a frustrated groan, when he fails once again to hit the proper note. they've been at this for hours, and Chanyeol might be starting to feel a bit stir crazy. It's the weekend. The showcase date looms over them, so they've been picking up extra practice time.

For weeks they've been cooped up in this small practice room, repeatedly going over this song. Chanyeol understands why Jongdae gets so frustrated at this time of year. It's physically and emotionally draining, not to mention the tension has been getting worse and worse by the day. Chanyeol doesn't know what it is, but it just seems like they can't get into the same room without having some little argument.

Usually on days like this Chanyeol would be getting ready to go out to a party with his friends, or setting up for one of his frats own. Instead he's here with one of his favorite people, and though he didn't mind a couple hours ago, Jongdae seems to get more and more frustrated as the day wears on.

"Your voice is too tonal, you need to relax, Dae" Chanyeol offers gently, trying to guide the other a bit. He just wants to help.

"Fuck you, Park Chanyeol." Jongdae stamps out, his voice laced with venom.

Chanyeol rolls his eyes, scoffing and just about done. Chanyeol's noticed that Jongdae has a habit of doing this. When the smaller gets stressed he turns into a little angry powder cage. It's both terrifying and arousing.

Chanyeol places his guitar to the side and runs an exasperated hand through his hair. The small demon has been snapping at him for the past hour and he's really getting tired of it. He's here to help Jongdae, but the bitch has claws when he's in a mood.

"Please, look at the size of you. We all know who'd be doing the fucking." Chanyeol bites back, and regrets it instantly when Jongdae's head snaps toward him, his eyes wide and promising blood.

Jongdae just stares at him. Seconds pass, and he still says nothing. The air around them feels too thick, too charged. It's as if Chanyeol can actually reach out and grasp it in his hand. Jongdae's pissed, he knows that, but there's something else in his eyes, a dangerous something that sends his heart on a roller coaster ride.

The small man crosses the room in seconds, and has Chanyeol pinned against the piano, his back pressing into the keys. "Don't force me to prove you wrong, frat boy." he hisses.

Chanyeol has never claimed to be a smart man, but when the words, "don't threaten me with a good time" pops out of his mouth, on autopilot, and he actually questions if he's lost brain cells from all the years of reckless shit he's done. The words are something he regularly uses as a witty comeback against his brothers aggressive flirting. It's all in good fun, playful, and usually elicits a round of laughter... but Jongdae isn't laughing.

In fact he'd sneering. A deadly look in his eyes. All to quickly a hand slides to the back of his head, and grasps tightly at hair, making him wince. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't feeling his dick stir with interest in his jeans. Fuck, why is Jongdae so hot right now.

"Do you want me to shove your knees, Chanyeol. Do you want me to show that virgin mouth what should be filling it instead of your fucking bullshit sarcasm?" Jongdae rasps, his breaths coming out harshly, showing just how much he doesn't just want that to be a threat.

Chanyeol lets out a soft whine, sounding way too high pitched for his usual unnaturally deep voice "y-yes."

Jongdae starts at that "what?" he asks intelligently, any bit of anger draining from him, replaced with surprise.

"Please, Dae. Use me." Chanyeol gasps, watching with pride as Jongdae's eyes widen to almost comical levels. But Chanyeol doesn't find this funny. He wants nothing more than Jongdae's cock in his mouth right in this moment. He didn't know how what this was, or what he wanted, but this is it. He wants Jongdae, and he wants him bad.

"Fuck" Jongdae curses, his hand losing it's grip on the others hair.

Chanyeol whines again and looks up into Jongdae's eyes with pleading ones of his own. "Please"

That's all it takes for Jongdae to snap. He has Chanyeol on his knees in seconds, his grip reclaimed with vengeance, and uses it as leverage to push the giant forward. But Chanyeol doesn't need to be told, he's already scrambling for the smaller's zipper, and unbuttoning his pants. The tight fabric slides down Jongdae's thighs smoothly, exposing himself to the cool air of the room.

Jongdae hisses, and tugs at the small hairs at the back of Chanyeol's head signaling for him to hurry the fuck up. He needs heat and pressure around his dick, and he needs it now. The lust unable to let him think of anything else.

It's at this moment when Jongdae realizes that Chanyeol may not be as inexperienced as he previously thought. The taller's hands go to his cock without a sliver of hesitation, and his lips trace up it's length so comfortably. He'd almost swear Chanyeol was well acquainted with it. Then... fucking then, Chanyeol spreads his lips, and sinks his mouth down over him, sheathing him in wonderfully electrifying heat.

"Holy fuck" Jongdae whispers, looking down at Chanyeol's lips, tightly spread around his cock, so beautify slicked up and reddened. "There's no way in hell you haven't done this before." Jongdae breaths, staring at the man on his knees in front of him like he just discovered a new species.

Fucking Park Chanyeol winks.... WINKS! and proceeds to slid further down his shaft, taking him in so well, Jongdae has to stabilize himself with his other hand, using the giants shoulder.

Chanyeol hums contentedly, voicing his approval, and Jongdae's hips jerk at the vibrations flowing from base to tip. Chanyeol deserves a round of applause when the man moans, fucking moans as Jongdae's cock is forces slightly further into his mouth. Jongdae might be losing his damn mind. Either this is the best wet dream he's ever had, or he's hallucinating... whatever it is, he's going to enjoy it.

"Can you take all of me, Yeol?" Jongdae asks, voice husky and rough. Chanyeol's own cock twitches at the sound.

Chanyeol nods as good as he can with his mouth full of Jongdae, and slides down further onto the other mans length, till his lips meet the curly little hairs at the base. Chanyeol take a moment to relax his mouth, Jongdae's not huge, so he doesn't have to adjust his throat too much, but he's not small either. Actually, pleasantly thick is how Chanyeol want's to describe Jongdae's dick. If Chanyeol can deep Sehun, he can take anyone. He nuzzles into Jongdae's happy trail, having wanted to do this since the second he saw his shirt ride up one day to reveal the delicious patch of hair. Gods, it's even better than he imagined.

Above him, Jongdae moans softly in response and lets go of his grip on his hair to slide his hand through the longish locks, forcing Chanyeol to keen in pleasure. Sitting here like this, he feels like the most important thing in the world to Jongdae, and he might just been a little drunk on that.

Chanyeol takes a second to breath and lets Jongdae slowly drag across his tongue, sticking the muscle out of his mouth to make more of a show for the man above him. Jongdae swallows thickly and feels his dick pulse, just by that sight alone. Strike whatever bad thoughts he was thinking about this man before. Chanyeol is fucking perfect.

The glide of his cock inside of Chanyeol's mouth quickens in pace, and Jongdae can't help himself stare down in wonder at Chanyeol giving him one of the best blowjob's he's ever had. Fucking Christ. What the fuck? He's not even threatening him with teeth or gagging. How is this even possible?

Chanyeol pulls back with a pop, letting Jongdae fall from his mouth, catching it in his hand and gives it a few pumps. He licks his lips and lets his tongue play at the slit, giving an appreciative hum while stretching his lips around the head and giving a few sucks.

Jongdae decided that if this is how he dies, he'd be at peace with it.

"Yeol?" Jongdae questions. He's obsessed with Chanyeol's technique, so lost in the euphoria that he doesn't want it to end, but they're short on time and he just remembered that the door isn't locked. They need to do this quickly.

Chanyeol glances up at him, his pretty lashes clouding his eyes, making home look practically sinful. This sight alone should be illegal.

"How well do you think you can take me?" Jongdae asks, letting his hand fall from Chanyeol's hair to his jaw, brushing it with his fingers adoringly.

Chanyeol's heart sings. He doesn't answer, only glides him back into his mouth, nuzzling happily into Jongdae's happy trail once again. Jongdae understands what he means, when he feels Chanyeol's throat contracting comfortably around him, and moans deeply at the feeling.

"I'm going to fuck your mouth, baby... is that okay?" Jongdae questions, still caressing the other's jaw.

Jongdae doesn't know how he does it, but Chanyeol lifts his head up, mouth stuffed full of his cock, and nods. His eyes sparkling, clearly appreciating the endearing title, and moans lightly around him.

Without warning, Jongdae replaces his hand to Chanyeol's hair, gripping tightly and pulls out of the almost debilitating heat, then pushes back in slowly. He lets the other get used to it before his thrusts start to become stronger, quicker. Its so damn addicting.

Chanyeol takes him so well, moaning and breathing roughly while Jongdae uses his mouth to his hearts content. It's fucking perfect. Chanyeol's hands find their way to the back of Jongdae's thighs, steadying himself so Jongdae can fuck him in earnest.

Jongdae throws his head back, groaning. His eyes roll back, as Chanyeol has the audacity to hallow his cheeks and tighten his lips. It's almost too much pleasure. White hot heat pulsing through him, forcing his oncumming orgasm to build quickly in his abdomen.

"Yeol, baby... i'm gonna cum. Tell me where." Jongdae manages to rasp out, lowering his head back down to look at the man below him. Chanyeol's eyes are teary, tracks already tracing the side of his cheeks, his lashes once again half-lidded his eyes. There's drool dripping down his chin and his hair is wild from the rough treatment from the latter.

This sight alone, makes a deep, sultry moan slips off his tongue. Chanyeol's eyes roll back at the sound, and tightens his hands on Jongdae's hips, pulling him forward a few inches clearly answering his question.

"Fuck, okay." Jongdae curses, and quickens his pace, feeling everything overwhelming him at once. The sight of Chanyeol ruined so entirely below him. The feeling of Chanyeol gripping his thighs. The addicting heat encompassing his cock. It's all so fucking real, so maddening.

Jongdae comes with a pitched cry of Chanyeol's name, spilling down the others throat, pausing deep in Chanyeol's warm heat. He whines, twitching when he feels the soft movement of Chanyeol's tongue, sliding over the underside of his cock, milking out every last drop of his seed. When Chanyeol pulls off of him with a obscene slick sound, he swallow thickly, and stares up at Jongdae with a dazed smile, and he seriously has no idea how to proccess this.

"See, you can reach the pitch." Comes Chanyeol's wrecked, deep and scratchy voice. The sound of sin, literally pouring from his lips, doesn't allow Jongdae to even think about scolding him for his smartass comment.

On trembling legs, Chanyeol helps him over to the piano bench, and pulls his pants up before guiding him to sit. Chanyeol for some reason kneels in front of him again, and Jongdae really can't process what that means at the moment.

They stare at each other, blinking and almost taking in the other in awe. That really just happened, and neither one of them seem to regret it.

Chanyeol bites at his lip, and finally glances away, looking a bit sheepish. Like he wants to say something, but is worried about it. He's awfully shy now for a man who just let someone fuck his mouth.

Jongdae nudges Chanyeol's knee with his foot, still trembling from one of the most intense orgasms he's ever had. "What's wrong?"

The other's eyes find his again, wide and cautious. "C-can i kiss you?" he asks, his voice still so raspy and rough, it almost threatens to get Jongdae hard again.

Usually, Jongdae would prefer not to kiss his lovers after they go down on him, because it's just a little too cringy for him, but for some reason he finds himself really wanting to kiss Chanyeol. The lips he just abused, red and swollen. They look so inviting.

He reaches forward and grabs Chanyeol's shirt, yanking him in between his spread legs and smashing his lips into the other's. Chanyeol makes a surprised, but pleased noise, and allows Jongdae to press his body against his. Their lips drinking in the sweetness from each others tongues, high on the feeling of each others warmth.

"Fucking hell" Jongdae swears, pulling away. "I want to fuck you."

Chanyeol's eyes nearly pop out of his head and he scrambles off the ground onto Jongdae's lap. It should be awkward with the height difference, but somehow Chanyeol makes up for it and perfectly fits himself into Jongdae's arms.

The giant grinds down onto Jongdae's lap, letting small whimpers out of his mouth "please, Dae. Please fuck me."

Jongdae has to control himself. He's tempted to bend Chanyeol over this piano, right here and now. Just fuck him boneless, and leave him raw and aching in the best possible ways, so he'll feel him in every movement for the next week.

"Chanye-" the word is broken off when abruptly the practice room door is opened, and a soft gasp reaches his ears.

Chanyeol spins on his lap so fast, he nearly knocks them both over. They both rush to get off of one another and stand, but it's too late. The girl who caught them has already fled from the room.

"Fuck" Chanyeol curses, looking down at his wrist, and hurries to gather his things. He doesn't even risk a glance up at Jongdae until he's standing by the door.

A nervous look plays in the others eyes, and his face is dusted with a scarlet, Jongdae would have normally found stunning, if not for the ashamed crumple to his other features.

"I-i have to g-go" The shy little puppy Chanyeol once again back. Before he can even reply Chanyeol barrels out of the room, letting the door slam in his wake.

That's the first night Jongdae's walked home by himself in a long time, and for once he noticed a biting chill in the air he hadn't before.

>>>>>>>>>

Shouts and the sound of cleats hitting the ground sounds through the air as Jongdae approaches the field. He stands a little off to the side, hiding a bit behind a utility shed used for storing the teams gear. He doesn't know much of anything about this sport, but by the looks of it, it's just a bunch of guys standing around in the center, ramming into each other. Too violent and mindless for his taste.

He's a man on a mission, though and will push his way through that mess if he has to. Park Chanyeol has missed two practice sessions now, claiming to be busy with extra practices that his coach suddenly dumped on them. Clearly, the giant wasn't lying. This dissipates Jongdae's anger a bit, and he regrets snapping at the other in text, telling him to come over after practice tonight. He needs to find him and tell him not to come, and apologize for being a selfish prick.

Jongdae wonders how he's ever going to find Chanyeol in that mess, when suddenly everyone seems to break apart at once, and some hauls out, blasting down the field. No one is able to touch him. It's kind of impressive and breathtaking to watch. Jongdae wonders who it is, before they turn and he instantly recognizes the amber red hair gracing the players head. Chanyeol.

It makes sense to him now. Chanyeol is amazing with music, but watching him like this, it's undeniable where he belongs. It's hard choosing one love over another. Jongdae should know, but sometimes when you just have such a consuming talent for something, you have to follow that path.

Jongdae knows Chanyeol is different from the other sports jocks. He's suspected it for a while, but something about the frat boy is different. He's gentle, kind, and respects people. Jongdae feels bad for assuming Chanyeol was like those guys, but he wants... no, needs to know what's going on in his head. He knows there has to be an explanation for the way Yeol ran out the other night. For why he acted like that.

He'll give it to him to. Chanyeol deserves a chance to explain, and Jongdae will listen. He trusts Chanyeol. He knows him. Chanyeol's not like those guys. He'd never be ashamed of Jongdae.

"Do you believe the rumor?" Jongdae suddenly picks up coming from inside the utility shed.

He's about to tune them out and walk closer to the field. Maybe he can get Yeol's attention and call him over. Give him a hug or two, because he kind of missed the large nuisance. But the next sentence coming out of the shed has him stopping in his tracks.

"What that he's turning homo for that faggot musical major?" the other guys snorts.

"Yeah, apparently he was caught in a compromising position by one of the sigmas. She said they were all over each other." The first explains, joining his friend in a laugh "it's disgusting. Chanyeol used to be such a fucking player. I looked up to that guy, but now... all i see is a fairy princess fag."

"Maybe we should knock him around a bit today, show that queen what being a man is like." the other suggests.

"Hey, sounds like a good idea. Maybe we can hit him hard enough, he'll snap out of this bullshit and come back to our side" the other agrees.

Jongdae refuses to hear anymore and makes a b-line in the other direction of the field. Part of him is terrified at what might happen to Chanyeol and curses at himself for not being able to stay for him. But another part, the part that keeps him walking, knows that there's nothing he can do to help anyways, and he'd actually just make it worse.

As he makes the long trek across campus, he finds himself locked in a battle in his own head. He knows Chanyeol isn't like those guys and that Chanyeol doesn't care much about his reputation. He's even mentioned a few times that most of it is over-fabricated rumors. Jongdae releases a bitter laugh as he recalls Chanyeol admitting that he can count on one one hand the amount of people he's slept with.

It had been a refreshing moment for him, but now it just feels tasteless on his tongue. What if people found out about that? They'd mock Chanyeol. They'd do what those guys did back at the field... and what if people found out about them? What if they found out that the legendary Park Chanyeol dropped to his knees and let residential faggot Kim Jongdae fuck his mouth like a fleshlight. Chanyeol would be ostracized. They'd tear him apart.

Jongdae's heart cracks a little at that thought. He's too far gone, not to admit that he's helplessly in love with Chanyeol, and the idea of him being hurt because of him makes his chest literally ache. Chanyeol is a good man. He'd never hide them. He'd never care about the bad words and things people did to him, as long as Jongdae was happy.

Jongdae went through it in high school. Jongdae knows how cruel people can be, and he can't stand the idea of Chanyeol going through that. No, Chanyeol is a good man. He won't let anyone hurt him... even if it hurts Jongdae the most in the end.

>>

The door opens to the practice room, and Jongdae lifts his head in surprise. He turns around on his seat at the piano, he had been depressingly playing, to find Chanyeol smiling at him amused.

He had texted Chanyeol not to come, so why is he here?

"What?" Chanyeol asks, ducking his head down, and placing his bag on the ground. He had came straight from practice.

There's a tired edge in his tone, Jongdae notices now, and feels even more guiltier.

"Go home, Chanyeol." Jongdae sighs, turning back to the piano. The pain in his chest now, is almost unbearable. He knows what he needs to do, but he knows it'll tear him apart to do it.

"Come on, we can get at least an hour in. It's fine." Chanyeol says, shuffling further towards Jongdae.

Jongdae takes a deep breath and closes his eyes tightly. "Just go. I don't need you here."

Chanyeol halts, the silence that follows is almost unbearable. A sigh falls from the giants lips, then he accepts that Jongdae must be in a bad mood. "is this about the other day? The way i left? Listen, Dae, i did that becau-"

"I don't care about that. It was a mistake. Just act like it never happened. Just leave." Jongdae says, surprising himself at how calm and even his voice sounds.

"A mista- Dae? What are you talking about? I though this was mutual... i thoug-"

"You thought wrong. Whatever idea you've worked up in your head, just forget it. Forget all of it. Even the showcase. I'm better on my own." Jongdae says, standing from the bench and starts to organize his sheet music.

If he stays here any longer, he knows he'll break. Chanyeol would see then. He'd see right through him, forgive him for lying and trying to hurt him, and he'd be back to square one. The only thing keeping tears out of his eyes is the thought that this is for Chanyeol. This is for his own good.

"You don't mean that." Chanyeol says, his voice. Oh god, his voice sounds so desperate and hurt.

'This is to help you, Yeol. I'm sorry, but i can't let them destroy you like they did me.' Jongdae thinks, before saying "of course i do. Come on, you really think we had anything? You were fun to play with, but now you're just in the way."

"Turn around and say that. Look in my eyes and admit that we're nothing." Chanyeol says, his voice deep and grasping.

Jongdae takes a deep breath. Do this for Chanyeol. Protect him, even from himself. He turns around.

They lock eyes, and Jongdae watches Chanyeol's crumble at how emotionless the others are, while Jongdae can feel the crack spreading across his heart, inch by inch. Chanyeol's eye is bruised. He didn't see it till he walked closer. It's dark and painful looking... it's his fault.

His voice steadies as his resolve hardens. He keeps his eyes locked on the bruise, reminding him of why this need to be done. "Like i said. It was fun to play around and even having you be my bitch for awhile, but now i'm busy. The showcase is this weekend. I need to focus. You're just too distracting. Please leave."

Have you ever watched someone's heart break? Jongdae can now say he has, and it's not a satisfying feeling in the slightest.

Chanyeol grabs his bag and rushes to the door, tears heavy in his eyes. He stops one last time and looks back over at Jongdae, seeming to be waiting for him to say something. Anything. But Jongdae stays silent, the crack in his heart finally making its way across. His heart tears completly apart as a single tear slides down Chanyeol's cheek. The door slams when he leaves, The sound of it's echo doesn't even finish before Jongdae's knees hit the floor.

>>

Luhan finds him a few hours later, curled up in the corner of the music room, quiet gasping sobs pulling from him. She kneels before his best friend, wiping tears off of his face, concern heavy in her eyes.

"Just tell me if i have to beat the shit out of him or not." Luhan says.

Jongdae shakes his head pathetically "it was my..." another hiccuped sob "fault."

Luhan's eyebrows furrow and she sighs "let's get you home."

It must have been amusing, watching a girl in a sweater-dress, tights, and wedges carrying a full grown man across campus. Jongdae would have normally loved to watch peoples reactions to this kind of situation. Hell luhan and he usually did weird shit, just to get a reaction from people. But not now... No, now, Jongdae just wants to curl into a ball and disappear from this world. He settles for burying his face into the side of his best friends neck, and shutting his eyes tightly.

If he tries really hard he can still imagine Chanyeol in his arms. His lips against his. His puppyish smile still on his lips, where is should always be. Instead he broke the one mans heart he wanted to protect and take care of.

Jongdae can't bring himself to regret it though. Chanyeol will get over him. Chanyeol will forget him. He'll get over him and in a few years he's barely remember that asshole who broke his heart in college. But friends turning against you? The people you know and love treating you like trash just because of who you decide to love? That shit stays with you.

A whine falls from Jongdae's lips and Luhan tightens her arms around him. At least he still has Lu. A fellow survivor of the struggle. A fellow outcast. Together they'll pick up the pieces and move forward.

Jongdae explains everything to his best friend later, while she gently run a washcloth over his back. She had ran him a bath when they got back to their room. It's Jongdae's comfort place. The feeling of being swaddled in the warm water has always been comforting to him. That comfort escapes him now. Everything just feels cold.

"I want to call you an idiot, but i also want to let you know that, that was one of the selfless things I've ever heard. You must really love him." Luhan says, her heart hurting for her best friend. She can't really blame him. She remembers what being bullied for being different feels like. Having the people you once trusted turn their backs on you. It's the reason why she came to Korea to go to school. To escape the past.

Jongdae sighs and pulls his knees up to his chest, letting his forehead rest on them "he was perfect, Lu. I realized way too late that he was everything i ever wanted. But i can't protect him."

Luhan rubs the soapy towel over Jongdae's back "i'm sure he wasn't perfect. I mean, Jongdae. I know you. Would you have really been prepared to bottom for that?"

Despite everything Jongdae actually releases a small laugh at that, making Luhan grin at her success.

"No, Lu... you don't understand. Chanyeol was a bottom." Jongdae whines in his typical fashion.

Luhan's eyes widen, and her hand pauses in surprise. She wants to ask her friend how he knows this knowledge and hasn't told her a damn thing, let alone details, but now isn't the time.

So, she just sighs and gently pops the other on the back of the head. Her only rational response to this situation. Jongdae gasps and turns to look at her with questioning eyes.

Luhan just stands and shakes her head "now, i'm really going to call you an idiot."

He watches her go, and pouts, resting his head back on his knees. He doesn't blame her. It's not like he hasn't called himself that a million times already.

... Later that night, when he crawls into bed, not even bothering to go to his own. Luhan opens his arms, and accepts Jongdae without hesitation. It's comforting to not feel alone, but it just feels wrong. He loves Luhan, but the others arms just feel too small, and his build isn't wide enough, and even when he tells Jongdae goodnight and that he'll be okay, his voice is just too soft and not even close to deep enough.


	2. Forgiveness is love

"Jongdae?" 

The call of his name has Jongdae stopping in his tracks, and looking over his shoulder. Yixing comes into view, his bright, welcoming smile that Jongdae remembers well, greets him. Even in his concussed haze, he thought Yixing was exceedingly beautiful.

"Hey, Yixing." Jongdae says, turning around, and giving the nurse the best smile he can manage.

"What are you doing here? You had the stitches out months ago." Yixing asks, tilting his head curiously.

Jongdae nods, and stuffs his hands into his pockets a tad awkwardly. "Just visiting my brother."

"Ah, right... i knew your name sounded familiar when you told me that day. Junmyeon talks about you a lot." Yixing explains, and the way the nurse says his brothers name, leaves him feeling a little smug. 

Junmyeon, his older brother always pokes around in his life, but is never forthcoming with his own. Maybe Yixing's name will give him a little more leverage to get his brother to mind his own business. He was especially relentless today. Asking questions. Offering him a meal, as well as a shoulder to cry on. Jongdae couldn't accept any of it, though. He's not ready to talk about how he broke the heart of the first boy he fell for... as well as his own.

"He thinks he's my father." Jongdae attempts a joke, but it just ends up coming out a bit depressing.

Yixing's appraising gaze, matched with his raised eyebrows, could possibly give Luhan a run for his money in the sass department. "You okay, Dae?"

Jongdae bites at his lips. He's been getting that question all week, and honestly, no. No, he's not, but he would never say so aloud. This week has been hell. Sleep and appetite have evaded him, and besides class and practice, Jongdae's been holdup in his room. He's gotten into the habit of watching sad romantic movies, while curled into a ball and cocooned in his overly large comforter. It wasn't until Luhan had yelled at him to get out of their dorm, and literally kicked him out that he had no choice, so he came to visit his brother at work. 

Jongdae just shrugs and attempts a smile to cover it. The last thing he needs is for this to get back to Junmyeon. He'd never hear the end of it. His brother dotes on him way too much as it is.

Yixing doesn't even look close to being convinced and motions for Jongdae to follow him. Jongdae does as he's told, knowing where they're headed. He knows this hospital like the back of his hand. He practically grew up here.

"Why?" Jongdae asks when Yixing points to the examination table, and starts putting on a pair of gloves.

"Because you look like hell. I just want to make sure everything is okay." Yixing explains, snaping a rubber glove onto his hand ominously.

Jongdae sighs and climbs up on the table, deciding it's better to appease the other, rather than explain that he's suffering from takotsubo cardiomyopathy. 

"So, how much hell did you put that giant idiot through?" Yixing asks suddenly, and Jongdae's heart stills.

The last thing he wants to do is talk about Chanyeol. It hurts too much. All Jongdae sees when he closes his eyes now is Chanyeol's face right before he ran from the room that day. Jongdae wakes up in the middle of the night because he swears he hears a deep voiced call of his name. Luhan's caught Jongdae curled into a ball on the bathroom floor every night this week. Jongdae isn't okay, and he can barely breath when he thinks of the other, let alone to have a conversation about him.

"I didn't. I haven't seen C-Ch... i haven't seen him since the day I came here." Jongdae's lie stunningly slips out.

Yixing stops with his stethoscope poised over Jongdae's chest and furrows his eyebrows "are you sure?"

Jongdae wonders if Yixing can hear the still steady cracking of his heart. "yup."

"Hmm." Yixing hums, "i could have swore that he was warning those guys to stay away from you the other night. I was actually thinking it was really sweet, but it's weird that he'd say that if you two only met once."

Jongdae blinks ahead of him, confused. "What guys?"

Yixing glances up to meet the other's eyes, an odd glint playing in them "These two guys on Chanyeol's team. Apparently they said some things during practice and tried to give Chanyeol a hard time. They were brought in on stretchers and Chanyeol came in to make sure they were okay." Yixing snorts and shakes his head, grabbing the otoscope off the wall. "Like what even is Park Chanyeol? That kid kicks their asses, then comes in to check on them."

"But.. hi-his eye?" Jongdae questions.

Yixing raises an eyebrow and smirks "thought you haven't seen him since that night?"

Jongdae gapes his mouth open for an intelligent second, then closes it and straightens up "i-i mean, i saw him around campus."

The nurse doesn't look convinced in the slightest, but lets it slide "Apparently that's what started the fight. They said some idiotic things. Chanyeol warned them. They got one hit on him, and well... they ended up in my ER."

Pride surges through Jongdae's chest and he doesn't exactly know why. Maybe it's the idea that Chanyeol is capable of standing up for himself, or maybe, just maybe, its the idea that Chanyeol was defending Jongdae too.

"You said Chanyeol was warning them to stay away from me?"

Yixing smiles lightly and lays a gentle hand on Jongdae's back, rubbing slow circles across his upper back. Jongdae doesn't know what he's checking for, but it's comforting and he doesn't exactly want him to stop.

"Yeah, Chanyeol had come in to check up on them and i had left the room to get some tape. I came back in time to overhear him warning those guys to, and i quote 'stay away from Jongdae, or next time i'll be calling a hearse instead of an ambulance.' Honestly, listening to Chanyeol having such a serious and dark moment, was shocking, but also refreshing. I was hoping maybe something happened between you two. He could use someone like you to ground him a bit." Yixing explains, still doing those wonderful circles while Jongdae process this.

Chanyeol had threatened those two asshole jocks to protect him. 

Jongdae doesn't realize he's crying until Yixing hands him a tissue and gives him a sympathetic expression. Jongdae accepts it and wipes at his eyes.

"I'm in love with Park Chanyeol." Jongdae admits with a shaky laugh. It's not funny, just sad.

Yixing's hand freezes and a short "oh boy" comes out under his breath.

Jongdae can't help but agree and blows his nose, then launches into the full story. From beginning to end, no detail spared, (expect the more explicit parts of the impromptu blowjob.) and ends in gasping breaths as he relives the painful experience of ripping his own heart from his chest cavity. Yixing's holding him now, and it somehow makes everything a little better.

"I can respect what you did, Dae. I seriously can understand wanting to protect Chanyeol, and more importantly yourself. But, Jongdae... when are you going to stop running from yourself?" Yixing asks, smoothing a hand through the younger's hair. "I know, trust me, i know how high school can be. I know how it can break you down and how it can leave you so scarred it's hard to allow yourself to even breath because you're afraid those old wounds will open again. I know that it's so damn hard to trust people because so many have let you down and hurt you. But that's not living, Jongdae. You need to allow yourself to let go of everything, put it behind you and use it as a stepping stone. You are stronger than they thought you were, fearless and unbreakable despite what they tried to take from you. If you give up out of fear. If you let go of the one thing you want out of uncertainty... they win, Dae. Don't let them win. You've fought so hard for so long, show them how strong you've become."

Jongdae takes a deep breath, inhaling the empowering words and feeling his chest clench "I've never fought though, Yixing. I've always ran. I've always hid. I'm not a fighter, i'm a cowered."

Yixing smiles and pulls away from the boy far enough to look him in the eyes. "Sometimes the hardest fight we face, is to just keep breathing. Our worst opponent will always be ourselves. Don't let your fear and your doubt win. Fight for the one thing everyone deserves. Fight for love, Jongdae."

Jongdae lets that sink in and he nods. He knows Yixing is right. He needs to fight, not only for Chanyeol, but for himself. Jongdae's convinced himself that everyone is always better off without him because it's easier to distance yourself from others, than to watch them walk out of your life. No one gets too close, so no one will leave, but how does that makes sense? 

These past couple of months with Chanyeol have been the best of his life, and without even realizing it he let the tall uncoordinated, loud, and obnoxious dork into his heart. Chanyeol situated himself there so snug, it feel like his heart was always made to hold the other. It's terrifying to admit that, but Jongdae knows he'll never love anyone the way he loves Chanyeol. There's just something so complete about being loved by Park Chanyeol. He accepted Jongdae without even a second glance and immediately made him forget what it felt like to be alone.

Chanyeol healed a part of Jongdae he never knew could be fixed. Chanyeol gave him a reason to smile everyday and though he found himself wanting to beat the giant dumbass, Jongdae also found himself so incredibly fond of his soul, his heart, his everything. Before he could understand what happened Chanyeol nestled his way in and made Jongdae dream of a life where he doesn't have to fight so damn hard to just wake up every morning.

The second he heard those jocks, he was thrust out of his dreamland and into reality. He was faced with his own demons and fears. Jongdae did the first thing he always did, he ran. He was so damn scared of being hurt again. He was scared of Chanyeol being hurt the same way. He ran and didn't give Chanyeol enough credit. 

Not once did he ask Chanyeol what he wanted, or how he felt. Jongdae pushed and crumpled when Chanyeol stepped back. It wasn't fair to Chanyeol for Jongdae to make that call. He doesn't get to decide what Chanyeol can and can't handle or what he will face and experience. That's Chanyeol's right and no one else's.

"I've hurt him, though. I doubt he'll want to see me again." Jongdae says lowly, sniffling.

Yixing smiles gently, almost knowingly and steps out of Jongdae's arms, cleaning up the room, humming a bit while he goes.

>>>>>

"You!" Baekhyun shouts, raising an accusing finger, shaking it dramatically. 

So maybe, making the snap decision to come to Chanyeol's fraternity house wasn't the best idea. After his talk with Yixing, Jongdae decided that he just needed to talk it out with the giant puppy, and actually make a grown up move for once. Chanyeol deserves an explanation. He deserves closure. 

Unfortunately Jongdae didn't even contemplate the idea that someone other than Chanyeol could answer the door; nor that it would be one of Chanyeol's friends, who probably hates Jongdae now.

Jongdae blinks at the man he's literally had the minimalist of contact with "uh..."

"You, cockwaffle. You broke my best friends heart. Prepare to die, asshat." Baekhyun says, attempting to open the screen door, but struggling with the latch. The other lets out a frustrated growling noise and starts to push his shoulder against the door.

After a few seconds of watching Baekhyun getting more and more pissed, Jongdae takes pity on him and reaches out to unlatch the door and pull it open for him. Obviously Jongdae is in a habit of not thinking things through today, because as soon as the door is freed, it pops open due to Baekhyun's insistent pushing, and out tumbles a very agitated blond puppy. 

Baekhyun yelps as he hits the ground and rubs at his shoulder, making a half wince half glare that Jongdae has to admit is kind of adorable. He looks like a pissed off baby corgi.

"When the pain in my shoulder goes away, I'm going to kick your ass." Baekhyun threatens, his voice a bit winded, while he pinches his face in clear pain.

Jongdae sighs and puts a hand in his pocket "I'm half inclined to let you."

Baekhyun's fire calms a little at that "you made my best friend cry. You broke Channie's heart, you know that right?"

"Shut up, Baekhyun. Chanyeol cried last week at an episode of sponge-bob." Someone defends, walking out of the house and staring at his housemate sitting on the ground, like it's an everyday occurrence.

Jongdae recognizes him as one of the guys on Luhan's team. Min... something.

"Hey, Jongdae." The guy says, glancing over at Jongdae with an amused expression, until he notices the other's confusion. "Oh, you might not remember me. I'm Minseok. I drove you to the hospital that day Chanyeol almost killed you."

An 'o' forms Jongdae lips and he nods "o-oh... i don't remember much from that day, sorry."

Minseok smirks and tilts his head "What was Chanyeol's shirt color that day?"

"Red..." Jongdae answers without hesitation, then trails off, wondering how he remembers that. Jongdae can barely remember what he had for breakfast, let alone such a specific detail from months prier.

Minseok chuckles and nods, "right.... So what brings you to our lovely home?" still completly ignoring his frat brother on the ground.

Jongdae feels a little exposed standing in front of Minseok. It's like the other knows more than he ever will and can see right into his soul. It's unsettling. "I-i wanted to talk to Chanyeol."

Minseok's face falls a bit and he releases a pitying sigh "Yeol's not here. He's been spending a lot of extra time on the field or in the gym lately."

"Oh." Jongdae says, his eyes falling to his shoes.

"Hey...i can call him or som-" Minseok starts, but is cut off by a loud call of Jongdae's name.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Sehun asks, stepping out of the house. His expression is a mixture of boredom and annoyance.

"Hun" Minseok's voice comes as a warning.

Sehun tucks his hands into his pockets and situates a stare on Jongdae "Hey, asshole. I told you to mess with him a little, not break him. Chanyeol told me everything... everything." he says enunciating each syllable, forcing a wince out of Jongdae. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Yeah, why are you such a dick?" Baekhyun calls, still on the ground.

"Guys..." Minseok's easy domineer slips and he looks a bit taken aback, similar to how Jongdae feels at the moment.

He knew that Chanyeol's friends wouldn't be exactly fond of him, but he didn't expect this level of aggression. Did he really hurt Chanyeol that bad? Jongdae knew he'd hurt the other, but he figured he'd get over it quickly. It was just a short infatuation. Chanyeol couldn't have actually felt something deep for him. Jongdae just assumed they were another statistic in the proximity theory, but maybe he had been wrong. Maybe the straight frat boy can surprise him once again. A new wave of guilt and regret pulses through him. Jongdae really doesn't deserve Chanyeol, he never did. 

"Chanyeol's the largest ball of sunshine. No one in this house can even bring themselves to tell him that his hamster died. He still believes that we sent it to a damn farm to be with his family. He too soft for this world, and you fucking tore him apart, man. What the hell?" Sehun asks.

Jongdae shrinks into himself a bit more "i didn't mea-... can i just talk to-"

"Fuck no. You're not going anywhere near him. Go find yourself another lackey. Yeol's too good for yo-" a loud smack cuts off his words, and Jongdae's eyes snap up to find Sehun crouched down, holding his head.

Jongdae stares at the boy, before his eyes fall on the person standing behind him. Kyungsoo. 

"That's enough. It is none of your business. Any of you." He says, meeting all of his brother's gazes. "I swear to the gods, every time someone comes over, it turns into a dramatic shit show."

Not another word is said, and the other three just look like scolded children. It's kind of endearing in a weird kind of way. Kyungsoo is someone Jongdae actually knows. They dated for a little while freshman year, as Kyungsoo is also in the music department, and they've had many classes together. Jongdae would dare to call Kyungsoo a friend, which is why he's exceedingly thankful to the other. It didn't work because of compatibility reasons, but that doesn't mean they don't care about each other. 

Kyungsoo maneuvers over to Baekhyun and yanks him up by the ear, pulling him off the ground, eliciting loud protests and screeches of pain while Kyungsoo drags him to the door. He grabs Minseok on the way, and kicks Sehun when he passes him, basically dragging all of them to the door, like bratty children. Kyungsoo closes the door, once they're all inside and turns to Jongdae with a fond, sympathetic look on his face.

"Just talk to him, Dae. Chanyeol is literally one of the most understanding people I've ever met. Explain why you acted the way you did. He'll forgive you." Kyungsoo says.

"What if i don't deserve it." Jongdae asks, pathetically. It seems that the emotions and stress from the day are catching up to him fast, and he'd rather not do this here. Jongdae's nearly burned through his emotional quota for today, and he's not sure if he can handle anything else.

Kyungsoo eyes Jongdae carefully, like he can guess exactly where the other's anxiety level is. Jongdae has always battled with acute anxiety. Ever since high school, Jongdae's been incredibly aware of his limits and how much he can take in a day. Jongdae can feel a panic attack pricking underneath the surface. He's almost too close to the end he and just wants to go home to do some self care.

Kyungsoo shakes his head and releases a sad sounding sigh. "You always have this habit, Dae. You have one of the worst monster complexes I've ever seen. Why do you think people are always better off without you?"

"People i care about always end up getting hurt because of me." Jongdae says, his throat constricting painfully.

Kyungsoo's sympathetic expression nearly has Jongdae wanting to melt into his arms and have him pet his hair like he used to, but he knows that won't go over well with his lynch mob, currently glued to the windows of the front door.

"People get hurt, Dae. That's what happens when you love someone. In a relationship, emotions are amplified. You feel things so deeply and consumingly that when something goes wrong, it hurts like hell. You get pissed, you yell, you fight... but you also fucking forgive, Jongdae. We didn't work because you were always so quick to apologize, but never accepted my forgiveness. You don't know how to forgive yourself, and that's what keeps you from moving forward. You get so caught up in every little thing you did wrong and turn yourself into your worst enemy. How can you expect some else to feel okay about the bad, when that's all you hold on to? You deserve to be loved, Dae. Everyone deserves that basic right."

Jongdae tugs at his jacket sleeve and chews anxiously at his lip. "I don't feel like i do... How do i move past the bad, Soo?"

Kyungsoo smiles lightly, his eyes shooting to the side and staring at something over Jongdae's shoulder. "You forgive yourself by promising to do better, to be better. You learn from your mistakes and allow yourself to let go. Every little comment or hurt feeling shouldn't be a catastrophe, Jongdae. You want to make it up to them? You want to deserve their forgiveness? Show them how much you love them. Show them how much they mean to you. Show them the value you momentarily forgot in your anger, your doubt, or your fear. Make him forget the ache you caused by telling him the truth and promising to tare the wall down, brick by brick."

"I'm not sure how to do that on my own." Jongdae mumbles.

Kyungsoo side-eyes him and nods thoughtfully "no one said you had to do it alone, Dae. Asking for help can be the strongest way to show someone how much you care. It's like saying, 'help me fix myself so i can love you better', which, you have to admit is romantic as shit."

Jongdae, despite himself, smiles slightly and remembers why he tried to make it work for so long between them. They just had this click that made sense. Maybe Kyungsoo was just meant to be a true friend since the beginning. The universe has a funny way of working like that.

Kyungsoo continues to stare over his shoulder, making a facial gesture occasionally as if he's mentally communicating with someone. Jongdae turns around slightly and freezes, locking eyes with none other than Chanyeol standing at the end of the sidewalk. Jongdae hear's the door open again and looks back at Soo to find him leaning against the screen door, keeping it shut against a struggling Baekhyun.

"Let me out, Kyungsoo. I'm going to kick his ass right in front of Chanyeol. Let me avenge my best friend." Baekhyun growls, once again acting like a pissed off puppy. Jongdae sighs, and resists the urge to chuckle at Kyungsoo's look of irritation. 

Kyungsoo nods at Jongdae, motioning for him to go talk to Chanyeol. He's not sure he can face this. Jongdae knows he needs to talk to Chanyeol, but does he even deserve Chanyeol's forgiveness? Sehun's right. Chanyeol's one of the first genuinely good people he's met in a while and he couldn't even trust him enough to talk to him. Instead Jongdae just ran like he always did.

Jongdae takes a deep breath and turns around. Chanyeol still stands there, staring at Jongdae as if he's waiting for him to disappear. Jongdae hates to see that apprehension and fear resting in his usually lively eyes. He took away that trust. He put that doubt in Chanyeol's head, and he definitely doesn't deserve to be forgiven.

The first step is the hardest, and the others aren't that easy either, but eventually he finds himself a few feet from the other, nervously clutching onto the hem of his jacket.

"Dae?" Chanyeol's deep voice makes his heart skip. Oh gods how he's missed that voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I..." Jongdae starts, but his lips wobbles and his throat constricts. He really can't do this. Jongdae knows from years of learning himself that he's seconds from losing it. He can't fall apart in front of Chanyeol. He can't show him how weak he is.

"Hey, shh. It's okay." Chanyeol says, stepping forward and wrapping a hand around Jongdae's arm.

Of course Chanyeol would know. Of course Chanyeol would be so fucking intuitive. The one person he wishes wouldn't pay attention, pays the most.

"I'm f-fin-"

"No you're not. You look like shit. Fuck, Dae. Have you even been sleeping? Eating? You look like you've lost weight." Chanyeol says, stepping further into Jongdae's space and feeling at the other's forehead. "I know it's getting close to the showcase, but you won't win if you fucking collapse on stage. You need to take better care of yourself."

Jongdae is taken aback by the other's serious tone. His playful, doting demeanor gone, and in it's place is disappointed irritation. Of course he's annoyed. The person he's been taking care of for months, shows up on at his front door randomly after breaking his heart, looking like an incompetent toddler. It's natural to feel burdened by this.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry about me... i just wanted to come by and talk. I was kind of an ass the other night. I wanted to explain my reasoning." Jongdae rambles, tucking his head once more, avoiding the other's gaze.

"Dae... why are you acting like this? I could give less of a shit about what you said the other night, i'm more concerned about how you're acting. What's going on? Did the guys do something to you?" Chanyeol asks, stepping even closer, his hands now engulfing his shoulders.

Jongdae trembles a bit. He just wants to scream at the other "Because you're too close, and i can't fucking breathe, let alone think straight. Because i'm a horrible person and i don't deserve your attention, let alone your worry."... but all that comes out is... "i'm just tired."

"Bullshit. Talk to me, Jongdae" Chanyeol demands.

Looking up into Chanyeol's eyes, he sees the desperation in his eyes, and he hates himself for it. He's so gone on this man, and it kills him. Chanyeol's right. They should talk. They need to talk. Jongdae needs to tell Chanyeol everything, even how he feels. Chanyeol means too much to him now not to owe him that... but not now. Jongdae feels like he's about to collapse. It's too much. There's only so much he can take in one day, and he can't have this talk now.

But maybe he can be selfish and ask for Chanyeol to just hold him. Maybe he can recharge enough to talk tomorrow. Would he give it to him, if he asked? If Chanyeol would just hold him tonight...

"Jongdae?" 

Jongdae takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. Never in his life has he been so happy to hear that voice. Jongin. The kid always has a habit of popping up out of nowhere and saving him for himself. Of course Chanyeol wouldn't want to hold him. Chanyeol has every right to hate Jongdae now. Jongdae's chest clenches painfully at that thought.

The young freshman stands feet from them, staring at the exchange and looking between them in confusion. The obvious upset of his hyung, has him snapping to attention. His normal sleepy demeanor moving out of the way for alertness. 

"Is everything okay?" Jongin asks, shooting an apprehensive look Chanyeol's way.

Jongdae steps out of Chanyeol's grasp, ignoring the pleading look and heads for Jongin. Their eyes meet and Jongin's expression instantly goes into protective mode.

"What happened?" Jongin demands, reaching out and grabbing Jongdae, pulling him into his arms. "Did he do something to you?"

"No... it was... it's my fault. I just... can you take me home, NiNi?" Jongdae asks, his face buried in Jongin's neck. It's comforting. Familiar. His smell alone recharges his senses a bit.

Jongin nods, securing an arm around the older's waist and turning them away from the house. Steps away from a breath of fresh air.

"Where are you taking him?" Chanyeol asks, rushing forward quickly to clock their path as they turn around.

"That's none of you're fucking business. Out of my way, Park" Jongin says, his tone icy.

"Dae..." Chanyeol says, looking at Jongdae. His eyes hold so many questions Jongdae would love to answer, but he just can't find the energy to do this. He just wants to go home and sleep.

"Where are you going? We have to study" Sehun chooses this moment to pop up beside his housemate, addressing Jongin.

Jongin sighs "sorry, Sehun. Another time. I need to take Dae home."

They share a look and Jongdae has to wonder what's going on there. Why does no one tell him anything anymore? Junmyeon with Yixing, and now Jongin with Sehun? Does no one trust him with anything anymore? Sure, Jongdae's kind of been in his own world with Chanyeol lately, but has he really missed this much?

That's just it, though. The world doesn't just disappear whenever he's with Chanyeol. No, Chanyeol becomes his world. He centers and grounds him so completly. He misses Chanyeol so much. Even if it's only been a few days, his absence feels like a gaping hole ripped in his life. Like all of the color has drained from his surroundings and everything good is being sucked into it. Is this what heartbreak feels like?

"But... come on. The test is two days from now. We need to study." Sehun says.

Jongin shakes his head and tightens his hold around Jongdae's middle. "i'll text you later."

"Jongin... ser-"

"I miss you." Jongdae slips before he can catch himself.

Chanyeol, who had been staring a hole through the arm tucked around him, flinches as his eyes widen "Dae... i" 

Jongdae trembles, realizing what he just gave away. 

The arm tightens further, and Jongin shuffles Jongdae behind him a bit "get out of my way. Both of you."

Sehun's face pinches, and he reaches out for Jongin's hand but he slaps it away. "Jongin, list-"

"Move." Jongin yells, his voice daring someone to dispute him.

Intelligently, the other two move. Their feet drag the ground like they'd rather do anything else, but they step aside, and Jongin forces Jongdae and himself down the sidewalk.

Jongdae feels like the worst person ever. Whatever was possibly going on between Jongin and Sehun, is possibly ruined now. Once again, Jongdae's gifted at fucking things up.

"Stop." Jongin hisses.

Jongdae glances over at the younger, slightly surprised "stop what?"

Jongin sighs and shakes his head "i can hear you blaming yourself. It's not your fault, Dae. This is your anxiety eating at you. You're on shut down mode. Don't let yourself get wrapped up in it."

"You and Sehun seemed close though. You should have stayed. I could have gotten home on my own." Jongdae says, the pout deep in his voice.

The younger scoffs and shakes his head "You're a piece of work, you know? Junnie and i literally have a skype meeting about you once a week, Dae."

"You do not." Jongdae insists, shoving Jongin lightly.

Jongin glances sideways, giving him an expression of complete sincerity. "We do actually. We just worry about you, Dae. Actually we were making out a schedule for who would look after you once you started in on practicing for the showcase, until Chanyeol. He stepped in and started taking care of you, and you actually fucking accepted it. Like i was shocked."

"Wait... how did you know about Chanyeol?"

"Luhan." he says with a shrug, like he didn't just admit that his best friend betrayed him like that. "Don't give me that open mouth offended Jongdae face. Luhan just worries like we do. Kyungsoo collaborated too, giving me updates on Chanyeol. The last time that i heard, everything was going great, then one night Chanyeol came back to the house completly distraught... What happened?"

Jongdae sighs and lets his eyes find the pavement. "i was stupid. I pushed him away because i was afraid of what people would do to him if they saw him with me. There were these two guys on his team that i overheard threatening to hurt him because he was caught in a 'compromising' position with me. It made me remember what happened to T... i don't want the same thing to happen to Chanyeol. I tried to protect him, but i think the one thing he needed protection from is me. I hurt him. I love him, and i broke him."

Quiet stretches between them, and Jongdae has to look up to notice the look the younger is giving him. He realizes they've stopped and wonders why people keep looking at him like that today.

"You need to quit blaming yourself for that, Dae. It was a long time ago." Jongin says gently.

Jongdae squeezes his eyes together "it hurts like it was yesterday. If it wasn't for me..."

"Then he would have never came out and would still be hiding himself. Jongdae, he's reached out to you. Jun says he still sends letters to you. He wants you two to gain some closure, but you refuse to acknowledge any of his attempts." Jongin says, then tilts his head sideways "actually, maybe this is what you need."

"What do you mean?" Jongdae asks.

"Talk to him. See him, Dae. Get some closure, and maybe you'll quit blaming yourself. Maybe you'll let yourself move on." Jongin suggests, taking the older's hand. "do it for yourself, but also for him?"

Jongdae thinks about it. He's put off seeing him for so long. What would he even say to the other? He's not even sure he could face him after all this time.

A deep sigh falls from Jongdae's lips and he shakes his head. "Just take me home, NiNi. Please."

>>>>

The repetitive pounding sound of his fist and leg connecting with the punching bag, syncs with his heartbeat's rhythmic tone. The movement within itself becomes a mantra. Punch, punch, kick. Punch, punch, kick. 

Chanyeol breaths in the stale, heady aroma of the gym, and it proves to calm him. He's been doing this for years, and it's become a comfort. To feel the energy buzzing through his veins as he painfully pushes his body harder and harder. It's impossible not to feel a sort of relief in the robotic, automatic motions. No thinking, just moving. Chanyeol can do that. Hell, he's the best at that.

"So... You're just going to hide out here for the rest of your life?"

His gloved hand connects with the bag halfheartedly as he's pulled out of his zone. Chanyeol sighs and reaches out, placing both hands to stop the swinging of the bag, and glance over at his friend giving him a judging look.

"What can i do for you, my lovely Soo?" Chanyeol asks shoving a sleazy smile to his face.

Kyungsoo cringes and rolls his eyes "You kind of blitzed after Jongdae left with Jongin. We were all worried about you. I came to see if you are okay."

Chanyeol chuckles darkly, and lets go of the bag, stepping back and ripping the Velcro of his glove apart with his teeth. "Yea, i'm just fucking peachy. I just loved watching the man I'm in love with, you know the same one who broke my heart, being dragged away by someone I could never compare to. It's just the fucking spark of my day, Soo. Really."

The unamused look on his friends face nearly makes Chanyeol crack a genuine smile, but he can't find it in him. He's just so damn tired. 

"You know Jongin is Jongdae's younger brother right?" Kyungsoo asks, and Chanyeol blinks at the other as if he just short circuited. Chanyeol curses under his breath, before stepping back and sending a heavy punch, propelling the bag into erratic swinging motions.

"Talk to me, Yeol. What you're doing isn't healthy. This...", Kyungsoo says gesturing to the gym, where Chanyeol has been for hours, as well as the still moving punching bag. "isn't healthy."

The taller shakes his head, grabbing a towel and wiping the sweat off of his neck and forehead. How is he supposed to talk about what's going on? How is he supposed to explain what happened, when he doesn't even know?

One second, they were fine. Jongdae was finally giving in, accepting him. Chanyeol let Jongdae fuck his face for crying out loud, and then the next he was telling him to leave and that he had no use for him anymore. Jongdae looked him in the eyes, broke his heart and he has no idea why, because he knew it broke Jongdae's own too. Chanyeol saw it in his eyes.

Chanyeol had been so damn happy when Jongdae started responding to his attempts to get close. Chanyeol even told Jongdae some things he never told anyone else, but he threw him away like he never meant a single thing to him. 

The worst part is that he doesn't even hate Jongdae. He can't hate the other, no matter how mad and hurt he is. Chanyeol fell for Jongdae the second he opened his eyes, and he fell harder and harder everyday they were together. Jongdae's still everything Chanyeol could ever dream of wanting, and so much more. Jongdae's perfect to him, and he just misses him so damn much.

"I miss you" The words continue to echo in his head. They've been on replay since they fell from the mouth of the man he loves with every inch of his being and he feels so damn confused.

The pain of being pushed away, is nothing compared to actually being away from him. If there's a small possibility that Jongdae feels the same way; that Jongdae feels the distance like a tear in his soul, then his baby is in pain, and that kills him. Chanyeol just wants Jongdae to be happy. No matter what, he wants Jongdae to have whatever he wants.

"I'm giving him what he wants." Chanyeol says, sitting down on the ground, his head hung towards his raised knees.

"What does that mean?" Kyungsoo asks, looking at the ground like he's debating sitting next to the other, then second guesses it after looking at his perfectly pressed black pants.

Chanyeol takes a deep breath and picks up his water bottle, taking a deep draw from it. "Jongdae told me to leave. He said he didn't want me around because he didn't need me."

"Yeol, you know that bullshit, right? Dae didn't mean that. He had his reasons to push you away, but he didn't actually want you to leave." Kyungsoo explains like he's dropping a bomb on his friend.

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow and shakes his head. "Of course i fucking know that, Soo. I know Jongdae just said those things to get me to walk away from him. Of course i know he hurt himself just as much as he hurt me."

Kyungsoo's face pinches in confusion "then why did you walk away? If you knew he didn't mean what he said and was just trying to get you to leave him, why did you?"

The taller blinks at his friend "because he asked me to."

Something akin to understanding crosses the older's features and he closes his eyes "you'd really do this to yourself just because he asked it of you? You'd allow yourself to pine and ache after him, even though you know he doesn't really want this?"

Chanyeol nods once and stares across the room, dazedly "I know he feels something for me, Soo. I know this isn't one sided. I know who Jongdae is, and he isn't the type to just hurt someone. There's a reason, there has to be."

"So, go find out what it is. Go fucking talk to him." Kyungsoo demands.

Chanyeol shakes his head "why do you think i'm here? Do you know how many times I've had to stop myself from going and finding him? Or texting him to see if he's okay? If he's eating and sleeping? I want to, i really do, but he told me not to."

Kyungsoo crouches down to get eye level with his friend and waits till he meets his gaze "you are either the stupidest or the most self-sacrificing person I've ever met."

The taller just shrugs and takes another drag of water "i just want him to be happy, and if he feels like his happiness belongs with me, he'll come back."

"And if he doesn't?" Kyungsoo asks, his tone heavy.

Chanyeol feels raw at that question, and his throat lumps painfully. "Then i wish him everything he wants and more."

Kyungsoo listens to his friend's voice break and immediately drops to his knees, pulling the giant to his chest. Chanyeol clutches at his small buddy and buries his face against his chest, releasing a silent, shaking sob.

The very idea of Jongdae not coming back to him is nearly unbearable. The second they locked eyes, Chanyeol knew he'd never love another more than he loved that man resting on his lap. Chanyeol knew that it was Jongdae he was meant to have and only Jongdae, but Jongdae's wants and dreams will always come before his own. Chanyeol just prays to any god that will listen that he somehow ends up being one of those wants or dreams.

"I'm going to tell you something, but i'm only going to say it once Park Chanyeol, so listen good..." Kyungsoo says abruptly.

Chanyeol angles his head slightly to tell the other that he's listening, and listen, he does.

>>>>

The wind makes a hallow sound in Jongdae's ears as he exits the bus. He pulls his collar up around his neck, and shuffles further into his coat. It's one of those cool spring days, where the sun is warm, but the wind has a bite to it. Jongdae just wishes it would get warm already so he can bust out his sleeveless shirts.

"Dae" the familiar voice calls out, making his heart drop into his stomach. He can already feel his stomach starting to digest it. Good, maybe not feeling is the best course of action here.

Jongdae curses Jongin for talking him into this. He really doesn't want to see his face and remember the painful past that he's worked so hard to forget.

"Dae, breathe. You look like you're going to throw up." The other says, placing a stabilizing hand on his shoulder. "Do you need your medicine to get through this? Is it in your bag?" he asks, starting to reach for Jongdae's tote bag. 

"I stopped taking them a while ago." Jongdae shakes his head and finally turns to meet eyes with someone he never thought he would ever see again. 

Kim Taehyung smiles brightly and his eyes sparkle brilliantly. Jongdae's never seen his eyes that bright. "Hi, Jongdae."

Jongdae feels a little kick inside his chest. Even after all this time, Jongdae still thinks that Kim Taehyung is one of the most beautiful beings ever put on this earth. "Hello, Taehyung."

...

"So, you finally decided to meet me... What changed your mind." Taehyung asks, sipping at his drink. 

They decided to walk down the street to a cafe. It's easier like this, Jongdae thinks. The more public it is, the better chance of escape.

"Jongin convinced me." Jongdae mumbles, sipping tediously out of his own straw.

"Are you forgetting that i used to be your best friend since grade school. Kim Jongdae, don't degrade me to not knowing you inside and out. We were each others firsts for crying out loud, give me some credit here." Taehyung says, his wide eyes judging his old friend.

Jongdae sighs and relaxes. Tae is still Tae. He's still the boy he walked up to on the playground and made him laugh after some boys had stolen his toy. He's still the boy he did the talent show with every year because their voices complemented each others so well. He's still the boy who he supported on his shoulder when he finally came out of the closet. And he's still the boy who he gave his virginity to, because he trusted him more than anyone in this world. Taehyung is still his best friend, that he will always love.

"I seem to have fallen for someone." Jongdae says, his voice thick with emotion after that short trip down memory lane.

Taehyung's face engulfs in a stunningly beautiful smile and he hops forward on his seat "really? What's his name? Is he cute? What's he like?"

Jongdae closes his eyes tightly for a beat and folds a bit into himself. "Don't do that"

The brilliant, gummy smile that might remind him a bit to much of a certain someone, slips a bit "do what?"

"Act like nothing's changed between us. Like what happened didn't happen." Jongdae says helplessly.

Taehyung takes a deep breath and shakes his head "still holding on to that i see."

"Holding on to that?... Taehyung, they nearly killed you. You were in a coma. You could have died." Jongdae argues. 

How dare Taehyung act like it wasn't a big deal. Like it was just a minor thing that happened. Jongdae waited by his best friend's bedside wondering if he'd ever wake up. Wondering if he'd ever see him smile again. Hear his weightless laugh. Feel the warmth of his kindness.

"But i didn't. I'm fine, Dae. I made it out just fine and i'm actually doing really good. I'm happy, Jongdae. Can't you tell?" Taehyung asks tilting his head, narrow his eyes in confusion "Why are you holding on to something that i let go of a long time ago?"

"Because it's my fault." Jongdae drops the words like a led ball. The impact of it making both of them flinch.

"Why... why would you say that? I've never once blamed you, Dae." Taehyung quetions, his face echoing his shock and aching for his friend. How long has Jongdae held onto this? How long has his best friend been tearing himself apart on his account?

Jongdae lets his head fall to his hands, as he leans forward to brace his elbows on his knees "I was a coward, Tae. I was such a fucking recreant that all i did was hide. I watched them hurt you, while i ran. If i had stepped in, if i had just tried to save-"

"They would have hurt you too, Dae." Taehyung says, grabbing Jongdae's arm, squeezing it as if to push the point into his bloodstream. "You would have been right beside me in that hospital, or worse, because no one would have called for help then. You called the police, you stayed with me when those guys ran off after they heard the sirens, and i know you came everyday to the hospital to visit, even sleeping over some nights when my mom had to work the next day. You were there for me, Jongdae. I knew that. I never once blamed you for what happened, nor did i ever think you were a coward. You were a high school kid, Dae. What the hell were you supposed to do?" Taehyung smiles gently and places a finger under Jongdae's chin, pulling it up "How long have been holding on to this? How long have you been boxing yourself off from the world because of it?"

"I... How did you...?"

Tae tilts his head, giving Jongdae a fond smile "I know you. You always take things so deeply. You let yourself be consumed by things that are out of your control, and push people away because you're scared that everyone will inevitably hurt you. If you keep hiding from the world, Dae. You're going to miss so much. Yeah, you might save yourself from a bit of pain, but in my experience a little bit of sorrow, makes happiness taste that much sweeter."

"I just... i don't know how to let go of that regret, of that guilt. I always run every time something goes wrong. How can i protect someone i care about if i always run away when they need me? Chanyeol needed me. Chanyeol was in danger, he could have seriously been hurt but i just walked away. I'm a coward, Tae." Jongdae says, dropping the other's gaze in shame.

Taehyung gives his friend a thoughtful expression, the smile never leaving his face. Jongdae has always been so damn hard on himself. "So his name is Chanyeol?"

"Tae." Jongdae whines, sounding a bit more like himself.

Taehyung just giggles, and rolls his eyes at the other. "Seriously, Dae. I know you don't feel like you deserve it, but i forgive you. If you really need it, have it, but know that i never blamed you for any of it. It wasn't your fault. I'm gay and i'm damn proud of it, and i owe that to you. You gave me the support and confidence to be myself, and if i regret being proud of who i am because i got hurt, then what's the point? Carry those scars like a badge of honor, Dae. Be proud of the shit you went through, because it means you survived... it means you lived, my friend."

Jongdae sits there for second, absorbing those words. It makes so much sense hearing it out loud. So many times in high school he preached the importance of being proud of who you are. Of standing tall and taking on the world with your head held high. When Tae got hurt, he let the world kick him down. He lost his bravery and confidence, because he was reminded of what the world can do to people like him. He realized the true cruelty inside of people and shut into himself. They tried to beat the fear and shame into him, and he let them.

Chanyeol was the first person that reminded him of the good in this world. Jongdae remembered a bit of what it was like to feel okay with who he was. Chanyeol accepted him without a second thought and made him feel proud to have the other next to him. Chanyeol the good, kind, inspiring, beautiful, funny, and caring man of his dreams. The man who doesn't need his protection, just his love. 

"Chanyeol is one of the most annoying, giant, pain in my ass, I've ever met." Jongdae starts, and Taehyung's eyes light up, leaning froward, waiting for him to continue "but he's amazing. He's so incredibly kind, like his heart astonishes me at how beautiful it is. He just has a way of making you feel so important and special to him. He's also so damn brilliant, like the things this man can do with am instrument ... it's startling."

Taehyung smiles and leans in "is he cute?"

Jongdae pulls out his phone and starts scrolling through, finding pictures he had taken secretly of Chanyeol in the practice room, the photo's they had taken when they went to the movies with luhan, the photos he had slipped that day Chanyeol fell asleep in the library when they were studying. By the time he goes through all of them, he has a stupid grin on his face, and Taehyung's no longer looking at his phone.

"What?" Jongdae asks, shyly putting his phone back in his pocket.

Taehyung just smirks and shakes his head "why are you even wasting your time on this? Clearly, you are head over heels for this guys, Dae. I've never seen you so soft, and i'm your best friend. I've seen how you react when you watch baby goat videos, but you just turned to mush for this man."

Jongdae sits back "but maybe he't too good for me."

The other is already shaking his head before he can even finish "Don't even. What does he want, Dae. It's not fair to decide that for someone. 'They're too good for me.' 'I don't deserve them.' Those are bullshit sayings. What does Chanyeol want? If the answer is you, then you're denying him what he wants. You're needlessly keeping him from his happiness. When someone chooses you, it's for a reason. You make them happy. You give the what they want. You inspire them. Who are you to decide that you don't? Who are you to say that they can't have what they want because you don't consider yourself worth it? That's like keeping someones favorite food from them, because you don't think that pizza, or a burger is high enough quality. Everyone's taste is different and they choose it for a reason. You don't get the right to convince them otherwise."

Jongdae blinks at his friend, completly caught of guard "where did that come from?"

Tae shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee "I've been taking a psychology and a philosophy class this semester. Its made me analytical as fuck. But Kookie likes it, so i don't complain."

The snort Jongdae releases is completly unforced, and it's refreshing "Who's Kookie?"

The next hour is spent talking about their love interests, swapping stories and going through pictures. Jongdae honestly forgot how much he missed the other. Tae was his best friend for a reason, and he knows this will become a regular thing. Taehyung's right. He needs to let go of the past and allow forgiveness for himself. Living in the past, blaming himself, carrying this guilt. It won't change what happened, but it can inspire him to be better. Jongdae should hold his head high and show the world that they didn't win. They can't take Kim Jongdae down. He will live his life unashamed and proud. He owes it to not only Tae, but himself.

When they part, they leave with a promise that the next time they meet, they'll have their boyfriends to introduce to each other. Jongdae knows he needs to talk to Chanyeol now, he won't let Tae down. He'll stop running and prove that he's ready to fight for something.

Jongdae stops in the middle of the street and yanks his phone out of his pocket in a panic. Well, it'll have to wait till after the showcase... which is tomorrow.... fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, i know i haven't touched this one in a while. It makes me feel bad because i really liked this story and I've kind of been neglecting it. My bad, guys. I'm going to try my best to get the last part together and finish this one up.
> 
> Many of you already know, but for those of you that don't, I'm currently in Korea. I'm living here for a year under a student exchange. It's been kind of crazy, so I've been having a bit of a situating problem. I'm still settling and finding my routine, so i haven't been writing much at all. It's sucks, and i really want to update for you guys, but please be a bit patient. I promise i haven't abandoned any of my works, they're just a bit on the back burner.


	3. Forgive yourself to love yourself

The loud chatter filing out of the auditorium forces bile to form in the back of Jongdae's throat, and he has to push down the sudden swooping feeling in his stomach. At this point he should be used to this, but at the same time he still gets the butterflies before a performance. That familiar excitement, laced in fear scorches his veins and his hands find themselves grasping tightly at one another as if they are the only things that can prevent him from falling off the ledge.

Jongdae takes a step back from the steps that lead up to the stage and sends a text to Jongin to message him after a certain performance ends, before heading out of the backstage area. There are kids scattered all around the hallway, practicing bars and tuning instruments. It's a glimpse at what he's up against this year and it doesn't really make him feel any better. Of course the preforming arts department produces a quality group of kids, but it's still nerve-racking to realize how talented everyone is. How close they all could be to stealing everything Jongdae's worked his entire life for.

The noise fades as he makes his way further and further into the building, away from the chaos of backstage, and amazingly his nerves begin to calm. He finds himself evening out and thinking clearly. He can do this. It'll be okay if he can just find his happy place and breathe until he has to be up on stage. Everything will be fine. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Jongdae locates the practice room. His autopilot setting in and bringing him here without a second thought. This is his happy place. His safe zone. His...

He stops short, knocked out of his mental zen he was fading into as he hears soft music coming from inside the practice room. Jongdae's heart sinks for a split second thinking he won't be able to preform his pre-stage ritual, before he realizes he recognizes the song. It's his song... their song.

Jongdae can't get his hand on the door handle fast enough, as he throws open the door, and halts at the sight before him. There, seated at the large instrument, is his true happy place.

"Yeol?"

Chanyeol's fingers freeze amongst the keys, trembling in their pause. He hadn't expected to run into Jongdae yet. Chanyeol needed time to get his thoughts in order before he wanted to track the other down. He had no idea that Jongdae would wonder in here just as he had. Maybe the other finds this just as much of a sanctuary as he does now.

In the short amount of time he spent here getting to know Jongdae, this place became important to him. Almost as much as Jongdae is.

"Do you want me to help you warm up?" Chanyeol's deep voice filters through the small quiet space, it's almost calming for Jongdae.

But this situation is anything but calm. Chanyeol's here, right in front of him. He's wished for this so many times over the past two weeks, but now he's here and Jongdae doesn't know what to do.

"What are you doing here, Chanyeol?" Jongdae asks, his voice surprisingly stable.

Chanyeol sighs and takes a moment to compose himself, staring at the alternating black and white keys before him. "You need me on that stage, Dae. No matter what kind of shit we're going through, no matter how much we need to actually fucking talk to one another, this comes first. Kyungsoo told me this was your last year you were doing the showcase. Your last chance. You can win with me by your side, if you can please just let me do this one thing for you I'll never bother you again. I promise."

Jongdae wants to argue. Wants to protest that he will be fine without the giant, but the truth destroys any word of defiance that try's to escape. Jongdae does need Chanyeol, he's always needed Chanyeol. Not just for the competition. Not just to win. But in everything. Jongdae's always needed Chanyeol by his side. He doesn't want Chanyeol to leave... ever. Chanyeol was always supposed to be in Jongdae's life, he was just to stubborn to see the signs.

"I do need you, Yeol." Jongdae says, the tremor in his voice giving away his underlying emotions. He takes a step forward into the room, Chanyeol still refuses to face him. "I need you to meet me in the morning with a warm cup of tea in your hand and an even warmer smile that gets me through my day. I need you to save me from evil mushrooms that I'm certain have it out for me. I need you to remind me to eat when i go into my work mode, because God's know i can barely dress, let alone sustain myself. I need you to kick me in the ass when i start acting like a diva and need to be brought back down to earth. I need you to say my name so many times it starts sounding like a mantra. I need you to hold my hand because it doesn't even feel like my own anymore without yours clasped around it. I need you to stand close to me because i can't fucking breathe without you near. I need you so fucking much, Chanyeol. I need you and i never thought i would, but i fucking do and I'm so sorry i pushed you away. I'm so sorry i hurt you. I got so scared and I ran. I'm so so-"

A trembling finger presses against Jongdae's lips, halting his distressed ramblings. The smaller looks up to find Chanyeol inches from him, a glassy haze of un-shed emotions glossing the taller's too wide and intense eyes.

"Jongdae, for once in your damn life, shut up and listen to me. Please" Chanyeol says, his gaze searching Jongdae's own, as if looking for some sort of hidden picture.

Jongdae blinks steadily at the other. Chanyeol's never spoken to Jongdae in such a way, and it catches him a bit off guard. Chanyeol's always taken care of and spoken to Jongdae with the uttermost kindness, speaking to him in a gentle and caring manor. Jongdae didn't realize how much he became accustom to the loving, soft side of this man until he's no longer entitled to be graced with that side. Jongdae hurt Chanyeol. Kind worded, sweet Chanyeol is reserved for people who didn't break his heart.

"I'm so damn in love with you, Kim Jongdae. I'm so fucking head over heels, hopelessly lost on you. I have been since the second you opened your eyes to look up at me in the back of that car." Chanyeol says, completly stunning Jongdae into silence. For the first time in his life, he has no words. "You need me? I'm here, Dae. Anything you want, it's fucking yours. I only walked away because you asked me to. I only left because you said that is what you wanted. I was so confused, Jongdae. I was so hurt. But it's what you wanted..."

"No, it's not." Jongdae explains, his shoulders shaking. "I was scared and stupid. I'm lost on you too, Yeol. I was so happy and i wanted you so bad, but then i was so afraid. I was terrified. I wouldn't be able to stand myself if something happened to you because of me. I wanted to protect you, so i pushed you away. I'm sorry, Chanyeol. I'm so unbelievably sorry i hurt you."

Chanyeol's bright eyes watch the other. Searching. Analyzing. "The only thing that could ever hurt me, is losing you. That hurt like hell, Dae." Jongdae's eyes drop to the floor, his head lowering in shame. "but I understand why you did it."

Jongdae's gaze shoots up. "You do?"

Chanyeol smiles a sheepish grimace. "Kyungsoo might have mentioned some things. He might have made some things clear about your situation. I don't blame you, Jongdae. After something like that, i'd be terrified too."

Jongdae shakes his head and attempts to lower his gaze again, but fingers press to his chin, lifting his head high. "It wasn't right, what i did to you. I should have trusted you enough to tell you the truth, to confide my worries. I should have let you in and we could have gone forward together. We could have made the right choice. I ... i'm sorry, Chanyeol."

Chanyeol's soft smile feels misplaced after what Jongdae just put out in front of them. It almost makes Jongdae feel worse. He just told Chanyeol his downfall. His lack of courage and trust. Chanyeol shouldn't be smiling, but cursing him and walking away. Jongdae knows he never deserved Chanyeol. He still doesn't.

"How about we quit dwelling on the past. What's done is done, Dae. We should have. We shouldn't have. Life's full of those moments. It's how we choose to move forward that defines us. It's how we learn from our mistakes and decide to make up for the past, by doing better... by being better." Chanyeol explains, his large palm sliding up to cup Jongdae's cheek and the smaller swears his heart is trying to escape his chest. "How do you want to move forward, Dae? How do you want to be better?"

Jongdae's lip trembles as Chanyeol's arm secures around his lower back, pulling the other closer to his body. "I don't deserve you, Chanyeol."

The responding eye roll almost makes Jongdae pop the other in the head. "That's not what i asked, Jongdae. Do you want me or not?"

Jongdae swallows thickly as Chanyeol keeps getting closer and closer. The taller's scent and feel pushing right into his senses and refusing to hold back. "Yes. I want you, Chanyeol."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth, that Chanyeol's lips were pressing to his own. Quickly working them open, invading his mouth and once again his heart.

No matter how much Jongdae feels that he doesn't deserve Park Chanyeol. How much he believes that he'll never live up to the honest to gods, amazing person the other is. Jongdae knows he'll never have the strength to walk away from Chanyeol ever again. Call him selfish. Call him weak. He doesn't care, as long as you also call him Chanyeol's.

......

Jongdae swallow thickly, the quiet of the crowed pushing a bubble of anxiety into his chest. He's been through this a million times, but somehow this feels different, this feels more real. Maybe it's because it's his last year; his last chance. Or maybe it's because he has more to protect than just himself. If Jongdae failed alone then it would just be his own mistake. He's learned over the years how to properly lick wounds and bury his downfalls, but tonight...

He glances over at Chanyeol, who's talking to the sound guy, switching up their musical set up. The sound guy doesn't look pleased at the last minute change, but doesn't argue. The makes another bubble push into Jongdae's throat. It's real now. This is happening. If Jongdae fails, he's letting Chanyeol down too, and he's not sure if he can survive that level of shame.

"Hey." Jongdae here's behind him and he turns to address the other, who just smiles at him and leans down, pressing their foreheads together. Jongdae closes his eyes and sighs at the grounding feeling that he can only experience in the presence of the other. "I've got you. Listen to my song. It plays for you, my love. Let the rest fade away. Just me and you here."

Jongdae takes a stabilizing breath and feels himself settle. There's no crowd. There's no competition. There's only Jongdae and Chanyeol, back in their room, playing like no one is listening. Like no one else exists at all.

His name is called, and he's snapped out of his little bubble. The panic must show on his face, because Chanyeol just smiles at him and presses their lips together before grabbing his shoulders and pushing him on stage. Clapping and hollers of his name greets him and he has enough mind to play calm even though his stomach is a storm ragging on an unforgiving sea.

Jongdae reaches the mic in the center of the stage and takes a moment adjusting it, while he waits for Chanyeol to settle himself on the stool that was placed next to the mic. A few seconds pass and nothing happens. Chanyeol is supposed to lead him, in but when Jongdae glances over to assess what the hold up is, he finds Chanyeol staring down at his guitar, almost frozen solid, except for his fingers that tremble against the pulled strings.

A playful smile is gifted to the crowed, (always have to keep face in front of the demons waiting to tear you to shreds in the audience.) as Jongdae slips the mic out of it's holder, taking the few steps over to the over and placing his hand on his shoulder. Chanyeol jumps slightly, but clearly leans into the touch. Maybe it wasn't Jongdae that needed the support. In this moment Jongdae understands that he's responsible for Chanyeol up here, but in a different way than before. Jongdae pulled Chanyeol into this. It was the start of this whole thing, when he asked the giant idiot to be his musical backup, and in all of the drama of the past weeks he had forgotten Chanyeol's original complaint.

Even through his crippling fear and anxiety, Chanyeol is still here for Jongdae. He still walked out on this stage, offering him support, when he himself was probably scared shitless. Jongdae feels touched, if not a little guilty.

Jongdae tilts Chanyeol's head up with his fingers to look into his eyes. They lock and he can see the swirl of anxiety and uncertainty that's also causing chaos inside of himself. Jongdae motions for Chanyeol to turn on the stool and he obeys easily, then nods for the other to begin.

Chanyeol's beautiful, easy smile blooms across his face and Jongdae's heart kicks at the sight. The first cord of music plays throughout the echoed auditorium, setting the tempo and the mood. It's a capturing and stunning sort of magic that is spun from Chanyeol's experienced fingers. Jongdae's voice takes root within the song, their spells casting and combining in instant harmony.

The moments in which it takes to preform the simple song seems to last forever for Jongdae and Chanyeol, for within each other's eyes rests eternity. The rest of their lives captured in the galaxies residing in their souls. They lose precedence of time and reality, falling into one another. Jongdae barely remembers if his voice held steady, or if he even got the words right, and Chanyeol can't recall if his fingers stayed true to the proper cords, or if he even strummed at all when the man he loves stared into his eyes giving him everything, but they could care less when they felt every word. Every note. Every emotion. Capsulizing in their hearts and refusing to leave them for even a second.

When the last tone fades into soundless nothing, Jongdae and Chanyeol are left smiling at each other like idiots with hearts in their eyes. The sound of deafening applause is the only thing that breaks them out of the enchantment they had weaved and they collectively blink out at the audience with wide, and disbelieving smiles.

Leaving a bow for the crowd, Jongdae leads them off the stage. No sooner that he passes the cover of the curtain, he's being pushed against a wall and lips descend upon his in a nearly delirious kind of kiss. Chanyeol laughs against his mouth, breathy and drunk with giddiness.

"We did it, baby." Chanyeol says, carving the words into Jongdae's lips.

Jongdae snorts at the other's puppy-like excitement, and pulls back to look him in the eyes. "Park Chanyeol, i love you."

Chanyeol's eyes light up with a million stars and he beams stupidly at the other. "I love you too, Kim Jongdae."

And for once, Jongdae doesn't think about whether of not he deserves it. Chanyeol wants him. He loves him. That's enough; that's all he needs. Love isn't about what you do and don't deserve, it's about... Well, Jongdae doesn't really know what love is about. He's not an all knowing being and he has no idea what the future will hold for either of them. But maybe that's the point, he wants to. Jongdae want's to experience every moment. Every second. He wan't to see where they can go from here. What they can achieve together.

Maybe that's the all mighty key. It's not about how someone looks, or what they can bring to the table, but how they compliment your soul. When a person can make you crave to be the best version of yourself. When they can inspire you to grow and see the world in ways you never imagined. When you can see yourself by that persons side after looks and wit starts to fade. That just might be the true depth of love, when someone can be the person you need in every situation.

Chanyeol is Jongdae's person. His best friend. His partner in crime. His muse. His biggest downfall. His critic. His caretaker. His lover. His everything. Chanyeol filled all of the available positions, and even some Jongdae hadn't known existed. He's tired of wondering whether or not he deserves him, because he knows he couldn't walk away now, even if he tried. So instead of questioning what he deserves, he's going to try his hardest for the rest of his life to be everything Chanyeol needs and to stand by his side no matter what.

Chanyeol runs through his veins as sure as his blood, and his heart beats to the rhythm of his name. Chanyeol wasn't the only one who knew where he belonged the second Jongdae opened his eyes. It just took Jongdae forgiving himself to realize the truth.

Jongdae understands now the hell he was caging himself in all of these years. He realizes how much pain he was carving into every inch of his heart. He knows that the first step to the right path is allowing yourself to forgive. Forgive yourself for the self inflicted pain, physical and mental. You've said some terrible things to yourself over the years, but you know you are better than your doubt and fears. Forgive yourself for those venomous words. You've done some damaging things to your body, like refusing to eat and trying to force the hurt out by violence. You're body needs to be treated with care, you only have one. Forgive yourself for the scars and give yourself a hug, your body just wants to be loved. You've held your heart in a cage and locked it away from the love and happiness it has craved and begged for. Let it out and forgive yourself. You are who you are and you are beautiful. You are breathing and existing and that within itself is extraordinary. Even when you don't feel like existing in this world on the bad days, there's someone out there, someone who you've touched and made a difference for, who's so very glad that you do. Forgive yourself and love who you are, because the greatest achievement we can ever make in our lives is choosing to actually live them.

Forgive yourself for the mistakes so you can learn from them and do better tomorrow.

......

"Well, somehow i expected this, but i'm still not pleased to be right." An all too familiar voice rings out over the peaceful silence of their sanctuary.

Jongdae sighs and releases Chanyeol's strong jawline from between his hands where he had grabbed the other when he took liberty of climbing onto Chanyeol's lap and kissing the soul from his body. Chanyeol looks up at him a bit dazed, but just rolls his eyes, familiar with the holder of that particular voice.

"I wore my good dress for this shit, and i got to see you on stage for less than five minutes and you disappear to make out and grind on your boyfriend? Classless, Kim Jongdae." Luhan clicks her tongue in disapproval and Jongdae glances behind him at the girl, dressed in a stunning golden cocktail dress, that sparkles like champagne on New Years Eve, standing at the entrance to the music room. She gives him a judging, yet somehow proud type of expression and Jongdae can't help the fond smile that tugs at his lips. Luhan will always be his biggest supporter, even when she's acting like she's his biggest critic.

The other side of the double door opens to reveal a surprisingly number of people, who are clearly eager to see them. Two of which being his brothers, who's smiles of excitement fade into disbelief when they see the situation he's currently in.

Jongdae calmly climbs off of Chanyeol's lap and clears his throat. "A bit of warning would have been nice, Lu."

Luhan smirks. "And miss your flustered ass turning as red as a strawberry. Not a chance."

Jongdae winces at the pain in the ass that claims to be his best friend. "Why are we friends?"

Luhan snorts. "Because you are a sadist and love the abuse."

Jongdae shakes his head and gives up. Provoking the beast will only allow it more ammunition. "Um, hey... everyone."

Junmyeon, always the classiest and suavest of them all, quickly composes himself and crosses the room in only a few steps, sweeping Jongdae into a bone-crushing hug. "I'm so proud of you. That was amazing, Dae."

The younger laughs when a second pair of arms adds to the mix, folding around both him and Junmyeon. There's only one person with that kind of wingspan. "Hey, Nini."

"I'm proud of you too, hyung. You were amazing up there." Jongin says, still grasping tightly onto his brothers, only proving this family's absurd boundariless need for physical contact. It's only by a loud clearing of a throat next to them that they pull apart. Eyes, similar in shape and character find their way to none other than Park Chanyeol, who looks a bit startled and uncomfortable.

Jongdae shows mercy from the Kim's natural intensity. "Chanyeol, these are my brothers. This tall, anomaly is called Jongin, and the short, stuffy one is Junmyeon." collective grievances are protested at their brother's descriptions, and Jongdae has to laugh at their similarities. "Jun, Nini, this is my boyfriend, Chanyeol."

Jongin and Junmyeon instantly shut up, and stare in shock at their brother who just used a word they weren't sure was even a part of his vocabulary, let alone one they ever thought they'd hear about a well-known frat-boy.

Chanyeol blushes from head to toe, and tries to hide his blindingly smug smile, but obviously fails miserably, and greets with a shy. "Hello, nice to meet you."

Junmyeon is obviously the first to sober up and offers his hand, which Chanyeol thankfully shakes. Jongdae beams. Off to a great start.

"Boyfriend? Jesus." is called from the doorway, and Jongdae instantly winces at the sight of Byun Baekhyun standing there with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Sehun, Minseok, and Kyungsoo stand next to him, all looking slightly amused.

Jongdae heaves a sigh, but doesn't get the chance to fret on the fact that Chanyeol's best friend clearly doesn't like him, when Chanyeol wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him against his side, and buries his head in his neck. The bubbling satisfied grin can't be helped, especially when Chanyeol whispers a promise of Baekhyun coming around because he'll see how important the latter is to him.

"Baekhyun, shove that self-riotous attitude up your ass and quit being a whiny little bitch. My baby is finally happy, and you won't take this from me!" Luhan helpfully screeches.

Baekhyun, seeming eager to have it out, is silenced by a hand around his mouth in the form of none other than Do Kyungsoo. Intelligently, the corgi puppy backs down and proceeds to grumble with Kyungsoo's hand still secured over the bottom half of his face.

"Congratulations, guys. That was pretty amazing." Kyungsoo says, and Jongdae offers him a thankful smile, knowing he played a bigger part in all of this than he'll ever admit.

Minseok and Sehun chime in with their own congratulations and even though Jongdae gets the 'i'm watching you' gesture from Sehun, he knows that it's heartfelt. They approve and are wishing them the best in their own way.

Jongdae plays with his fingers and slowly lets out a small breath, realizing what time it is. "They'll be announcing the winners soon."

Jongin, Junmyeon, and Luhan all sweep in to dissolve the little ball of anxiety, but Chanyeol miraculously beats them to the punch. He spins Jongdae around to face him and forces the other to meet his eyes. They share a moment of just staring, or rather sharing. Emotions, fears, anxiety passing silently between them. Jongdae feels his burdens lessen and his anxiety untangle as Chanyeol helps him carry his heavy load.

"No matter what happens out there, you are amazing, Dae. Your voice is so powerful and captivating. I can't hear or pay attention to anything else when you sing. This competition doesn't define your worth, because everyone in this room knows how gifted you are. No matter what, we love you and know in our hearts that you're brilliant." Chanyeol says, and Jongdae's breathing stutters at the other's words.

A touched sounding laugh escapes the smaller's lips as he reaches out seeking comfort, which Chanyeol happily provides, wrapping his lover in his arms and holding on tight wishing he could pull every bit of doubt and anxiety into his body and away from the man he loves. Jongdae is so amazingly talented. He can't even fathom how the other can't see it clearly.

Chanyeol doesn't for a second miss the smug, and knowing glances passing from Jongdae's brothers to Luhan, but he refuses to get a big head about it. His baby is nearly trembling in his arms and he'll be damned if he lets anyone else comfort him.

Jongdae's phone buzzes on the piano and he pulls back with a gasp. "It's time."

Chanyeol grabs his hand and squeezes tightly. "No matter what happens, i know you're going to do grand things, Kim Jongdae."

"Agreed." Junmyeon says.

"Yeah, you will." Jongin adds.

"Hells yeah, baby." Luhan adds.

Jongdae smiles at all of his friend, surrounding him and giving the support he never really knew how to appreciate; that he couldn't see how special it is to have and that he had always looked over in favor of belittling his talent, and nearly feels his heart burst. All of the time he spent locking himself away and abusing his already damaged heart, he could have been accepting the love of those around him. He could have been feeling the joy and support they tried to heal him with.

It was never Chanyeol who needed Jongdae's forgiveness, but Jongdae. To forgive yourself is to love yourself, and to love yourself allows your heart to love others.

When Jongdae looks around the room at his friends (even Baekhyun, in time... maybe.), and then at the man holding his hand and looking at him like he just wrote his name in the stars, he can't help but agree. Yeah, his life will be exceptional.

>>>>>>

~12 years later~

The sound of silence is often a beautiful sound. One that allows your brain to breath and make way for ideas and processing. Silence is a virtue. A gift that can center one's being.

Silence, however is a warning in the Kim household, especially when one of those people residing in it, is Park Chanyeol.

Jongdae shuts the door behind him, his luggage placed to the side, instantly forgotten when he registers that there is in fact no sound coming from inside his house. Chills go up his spine.

"Yeol? Tae? Han?" Jongdae calls out and as if by magic a crash is heard from down the hall.

Jongdae winces and closes his eyes. He just got home from a very long trip to Japan and he'd really rather not deal with this. He guesses flying in on an earlier flight to surprise his family was just too forward for him.

"Baby, you're home. We weren't expecting you till tonight. How'd the recording go?" Chanyeol comes peeling out from down the hall, staring at Jongdae with a panic stricken face.

From years of practice with the other man, he knows this means nothing good. He's covered in gods know what, and is tracking it all over his beautiful wooden floors. Jongdae want's to scream at Chanyeol to go get a towel, and clean this up quickly, but his speech if failing him at the moment.

Hannie is next to come down the hall, soaked from head to toe, looking every bit as agitated as Jongdae currently feels. She truly is his daughter.

"It wasn't my fault." Hannie says, her small face way too judgmental and adult like for a six year old.

Jongdae sighs and stares at his daughter, before reaching into his luggage to pull out a random clean T-shirt of his. "I know. It usually never is. Come here." Jongdae motions and the little girl allows her father to dry at least a little bit of her hair and face.

"Chanyeol, I'm not even going to ask what happened, just that you clean whatever it is up and deal with it before i see." Jongdae says, picking Hannie up and getting ready to carry her to the bathroom.

Chanyeol steps in front of the other and smiles sheepishly. Jongdae takes notice that the taller is also soaked and disheveled. "Well... the thing is... i can't exactly just get rid of it."

Jongdae narrows his eyes and looks at the little girl in his arms. "What is daddy talking about?"

Hannie purses her lips (Jongdae really needs to stop letting Luhan babysit), and rolls her eyes (and Sehun) "it wasn't my idea, i tried to stop them."

A sense of dread fills Jongdae and as soon as he opens his mouth to yell at his husband to explain whatever madness is taking place in his mouth, a sopping wet Taemin burst into the room, laughing is four year old little ass off, and carrying an equally as soaked, wiggling puppy in his arms.

"Dad, look! Daddy got us a puppy." Taemin announces, a proud grin on his face as he ceremoniously holds the puppy up like this is the damn lion king or something.

Jongdae watches as puddles form under his son and the wiggling canine in his arms, and he just blinks at the scene. He takes a deep breath, prepared to just figure this out before losing it, but then his son decides to break further news.

"Also, daddy flooded the bathroom and broke the toilet." Taemin announces, his shoes making a slurping sound as he walks over to stand next to Chanyeol who looks down at his son with betrayed eyes.

"Hey, Buddy. Remember how we were going break this to dad easily? We talked about this kid." Chanyeol says, sounding defeated.

Taemin shrugs. "Life is hard, my dude. Sometimes you just have to rip the band aid off." (Yeah, definitely need to stop letting them go to Luhan and Sehun's.)

Chanyeol's face crumpled into something of defeat and sorrow, and Jongdae no longer has it in him to be mad. Whatever punishment he could come up with or whatever words he were to yell at his husband are now out shadowed by getting thrown under the bus by their four year old.

Jongdae's laughter rings through the air before he can even understand that he finds this hilarious, and before long Chanyeol's shaking with laughter, crouched down on the floor and smacking it with his absurd way that he processes amusement.

Once they calm down and the two children are done staring at them like they've lost it, (No more uncle Kyungsoo either.) Jongdae steers the kids into the bathroom where he piles his two children, husband, and newest addition into the tube to rinse off and finish cleaning up.

Later, when everyone is dried off, tucked into pajamas, and is lounging in front of the TV watching a movie, Jongdae can't keep the smile off of his face.

"You surprisingly took that well, i was worried you would be pissed." Chanyeol whispers into his ear, to not disturb their two children cuddled up to the puppy on the floor, who are completely engrossed in the movie.

Jongdae snuggles further against his husbands chest and relishes in the feeling of the other's arm tightening around him. "I learned a long time ago that it's a lot easier to forgive and move forward rather than dwelling on the past. I think someone very smart, taught me that."

Chanyeol hums and presses his lips to his husbands temple. "Oh, and who might that be?"

Jongdae smirks and turns his head to look at the other. "Kyungsoo."

Chanyeol narrows his eyes and all to soon, the others hands zero in on Jongdae's most ticklish spot. His laughter fills the room and soon he has two children and a yipping puppy adding to his torture. He calls for mercy and forgiveness, which is easily given.

It's a lesson Jongdae and Chanyeol find it important to teach their kids and well as themselves. Jongdae wants Hannie and Taemin to grow up knowing the value in forgiving others as well as themselves. That holding on to the past and to things that hurt you will only invite more pain and fear into your life.

Learning from your mistakes and moving forward is the best way to live, and if you make peace with the bad, then you will be able to make room for the good.

That night, after the children are tucked into their beds, including Toben, (which Jongdae's husband has informed him is the name to their new addition.) Jongdae passes by the glass cabinet placed in their dinning room. The shinny trophy and dried bouquet sit inside, along with a picture of Jongdae and Chanyeol taken the night they won that competition.

Back then, Jongdae had been convinced that that competition was everything. In the end the labels that were there that night ended up signing three of his competitors that hadn't even placed. Jongdae's contract didn't come till a year later. Maybe, if he had been the Jongdae from before. The Jongdae that lived a life without Park Chanyeol in it. He wouldn't have been okay. He would have fallen apart the second he didn't receive an offer. He might have given up on his dreams the second they didn't come true.

But Chanyeol opened his eyes and his heart. He showed him the possibilities of what could happen when he chose to leave all of the things holding him back, behind. He showed him that everything he wanted was already in front of him and that it was okay to fail. Chanyeol gave Jongdae so much more than love, he showed him how to love himself.

Jongdae smiles at the trophy and then to all of the pictures of their friends. Of family. Of their wedding. The days their kids were born. All of those moments shine brighter than that trophy every could, and he thanks the gods for making Park Chanyeol stupid enough to try to break through a table with his body.

If Chanyeol hadn't had quite literally crashed into his life, he wouldn't have experienced all of the amazingly wonderful things he has. And he might never have felt the sweet release of finally forgiving himself.

"Hey, everything okay?" Chanyeol asks from his place at the doorway.

Jongdae smiles at the man and nods. "I'm fine. Just feeling reminiscent."

Chanyeol walks further into the room and wraps his arms around the man he loves. "Ah, the competition. I was so damn proud."

Jongdae nods. "I know, i was so shocked that we won."

Chanyeol shakes his head and kisses his husbands shoulder. "No, i wasn't proud of you winning. I mean, i was really proud that you won, but i was most proud that i could finally call you mine. Everyone could see the beautiful, talented man in my arms and know that they'd never have him."

Love and happiness blooms in Jongdae's chest, and Chanyeol places a loving kiss on his cheek. He lets go of Jongdae and walks back to where he came, but stops when he notices Jongdae isn't with him. "What is it? Did you need something?"

Jongdae grins and moves forward to take his husbands hand, smiling up at the man his love has never wavered for since he first looked into his eyes. "No, i have everything i need right here."

 

End


End file.
